I’ve spent way too much time on Twitter today. Also I did that yesterday. And the day before that. Look, it’s been a weird year, let’s just say I’ve had more time than usual on my plate and that site has a way of sucking you in. Don’t judge me. There are so many tweets!
What keeps me coming back for more of course are the funny ones, some of which I’d like to pass onto you right now, so that you can share in my addiction and I feel a little less weird about it.
12. Personal problems
I may or may not have lied about this a lot.
Some of you ya’ll never read 100 books to get a personal pan pizza and it shows
— ♑️Deyon RN♑️ aka Uncrustables (@Willams_Fan) June 18, 2020
11. Fully committed
This is a moment of either ardent determination or total despair.
What’s it called when you wake up five minutes before your alarm goes off but you’re still fully committed to going back to sleep? I’m that.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) June 6, 2017
10. Dad jokes are universal.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
— joeg (@gojarbe) September 5, 2015
9. Might want to have that checked out.
My son was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” ? I told him they were water. ? Then he asked “Dad, what’s the Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again with his eyes obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
— ? IP (@AintNoDylanBih) July 19, 2018
8. They’ll get over it
I was raised as an only child. My siblings took it pretty hard
— ??Frank Whítehouse ?? (@WheelTod) April 16, 2016
7. Rise up
Who, me? Nah I’m doin’ great. Living the dream.
People my age: *buying houses and raising families*
Me hungover on a Tuesday morning: pic.twitter.com/W526L5qSqX
— Jabroniworld (@jabronisworld) October 15, 2020
6. Stick together
If you’re feeling fried, well so am I.
Friend: I need advice.
Me: *trying to use mozzarella sticks as chopsticks* I am here for you.
— ?ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ? (@3sunzzz) November 18, 2020
5. Recovery periods
By 50 if you blink wrong you have to go to the hospital.
ME, 10: [falls out of a tree] I'm fine
ME, 20: [parties all weekend] I'm fine
ME, 30: [accidentally drinks water too fast] I need to sleep for 3 days
— Roxi Horror ?? (@roxiqt) September 6, 2020
4. The cow says…
I was really anticipating some sort of Dr. Dolittle situation to arise at some point.
Can’t believe how much time my parents spent teaching me what sounds barnyard animals make. I have almost never needed that as an adult.
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) October 30, 2020
3. Not my type
Where no one will ever, EVER read them…
Emails just aren't safe. We should hide state secrets deep in the story parts of recipe blogs.
— Tonja Foster (@tonjafoster57) January 24, 2018
2. Sweetie pie
Just another lovely little slice of life story.
"Thanks again, for all that you do for me"
*leans in for a kiss*
Pizza delivery guy: "Can u just pay for the pizzas"
— Lady K (@trippin_crippen) April 30, 2016
1. Captain Ravioli
I don’t know why I relate to this so hard but I do.
One time when I was like 11 my dad took me to an Italian restaurant and the waiter asked what my name was and I said “Sam but you can call me captain ravioli” and my dad just looked at me and said “what the fuck was that? don’t do that” and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) January 15, 2020
It’s a pleasant little diversion, Twitter. Just don’t go anywhere near politics while you’re visiting. Your head will explode.
Who are your favorite people to follow for Tweets?
Tell us in the comments.