I’m not going to bore you with a long introduction today, I’m gonna get straight to the point.
If you’re hitched, you’re gonna think these tweets are absolutely hilarious.
There, I said it!
1. This is revenge.
Best served cold…
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) August 6, 2021
2. Uh oh…
Someone’s in trouble.
When your husband puts a bunch of your clothes that should have been air dried in the dryer you have two options: yell or open the Nordstrom app.
— Stabbatha Christy (@LoveNLunchmeat) October 30, 2021
3. Back and forth.
Over and over again.
Marriage is just asking each other “is that a pimple on my back or a mole that will kill me?” back and forth until one of you dies.
— Alice Clarke (@Alicedkc) October 27, 2021
4. How dare he!
What’s he thinking?
My husband walked out the door & told me to have a good day like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with our children.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 26, 2021
5. A big hit last year.
We went to a party last night and immediately saw that every straight dude there had grown a mustache so they could be Ted Lasso for Halloween. My husband glanced around the room, sighed, and then whispered to me, “you win. I’m shaving the moment we get home.”
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) October 30, 2021
6. He really blew it.
Make him sleep on the couch!
I caught my husband eating the last Reese’s candy. First of all, that’s our son’s candy. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 1, 2021
7. Sounds hot!
How many subscribers does she have?
My wife’s onlyfans is just videos of me loading the dishwasher wrong and the criticism that follows
— Larrys Twin- Incontinence Creator (@LarrysTwin99) October 25, 2021
8. You deserve an award.
No doubt about it!
My husband asked me if our new hand towel was for decoration only. Is there an award? I feel like he should get an award.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) October 30, 2021
9. Talking in your sleep.
I thought she was gonna tell the truth.
Wife was talking in her sleep so I asked her where she hid the Halloween Reese’s, she said the basement, she was messing with me because they weren’t there.
— Forward March (@RunOldMan) October 29, 2021
10. Not the same.
Go take a shower!
Husband has an important zoom interview- *shaves, brushes teeth and puts on a nice shirt*
Husband approaching me for sex- *rocking the 5th day of a music festival appearance and odor*
— Heatherhere 😷 (@Heatinblack) October 19, 2021
11. Don’t expect much.
Just being honest…
My husband put back one pillow on the bed I had made and what I’m saying is the secret to a successful marriage is really, really low expectations.
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) October 29, 2021
12. That’s the plan!
Good luck to you!
if you really want to punish someone, marry them and make them live with you until one of you dies
— Midge (@mxmclain) October 19, 2021
How’s your marriage treating you?
Talk to us in the comments and spill your guts!
We want to hear all the good stuff!