For most people, there’s nothing more natural or terrifying than childbirth. Is the baby going to come out alright? Is the mom gonna make it? Will the dad pass out or not?
And when it comes to this Ask Reddit thread… nothing was held back. And I mean… nothing.
From surprise genders to raptor babies to some REALLY inappropriate things… these stories have got it all!
Let’s take a look.
1. Surprises abound!
My dad has told me they thought I was a girl all the way up to birth.
I came out as a c-section and the doctor goes “huh, this ones got extra equipment.”
2. Once you get there…
I am not an obgyn but I was questioning a patient in the ER about some other health problem, she wasn’t carrying at that time. When I got to the part about the gynecological history I asked how many kids did she have and how were they born. She had two kids and were both born with C-section. I should clarify that this was in Spain and the patient was gypsy, now gypsies are not usually well educated and women often marry young and don’t finish school, they also talk weird.
Now, the lady told me she had 2 kids and 2 c-sections and I asked her why she had to deliver by c-section she said because the first kid was a “come coño”.
Well, this can be translated as “p*ssy eater.” This lady was convinced that her first child was going to eat her pussy and had to be taken out before he did.
You can imagine my surprise.
At first I didn’t understand and left the room after the questioning still puzzled. I went and started digging in her file and found out that the c-section had to be done because after she broke water the doctors noticed the amniotic fluid was filled with baby sh*t, usually when a baby shits in-utero, it is a sign that the baby is suffering and has to come out quick, that was why she had a c-section. Now here is why it is funny:
- In-utero baby shit is called meconio.
- The doctors probably told this lady that she had to get a c-section because the baby comes with meconio
- Comes with meconio = “viene con meconio” in spanish.
- “Viene con meconio” sounds a lot like “viene comecoño” (p*ssy eater)
- Imagine being told your whole life that your mom had to get a c-section because you were going to eat her p*ssy when you actually almost died at childbirth.
I know it must not be that funny in English but I did my best translating it and hope some of you see how funny it was for me.
3. Well, that happened!
One lady was too posh to swear when in pain from contractions, she just said “jeepers creepers.”
4. Haha… can you imagine??
When I was born, my dad didn’t know that babies are usually born face down.
And as I was coming out he screams “OH MY GOD SHE DOESN’T HAVE A FACE.”
5. Let’s go higher!
I was high on meds at the time, I was begging for BBQ ribs in between contractions.
“C’mon, honey! The nurses will never know!”
They were standing right there.
6. Oh snap… that’s hilarious
Apparently, when my aunt was giving birth, she was all jokes.
Very angry jokes, but jokes none-the-less.
KNOCK-KNOCK! WHO’S THERE?! THE BABY! NOT YET!
7. Dino baby!
Not a doctor, but a father.
When my first child was born his head was kind of misshapen, and when the doctor lifted him up to show my wife she yelled “why the f*ck does he look like a raptor?”
I lost it.
8. Perfect timing
EMT who did a birth on the side of the road.
Woman shouted “f*ck me!” during a contraction and the husband casually replied “that’s how we got into this mess, dammit!”.
I had a very hard time containing myself.
9. Nope! Time to go!
Patient fully dilated, started pushing, then changed her mind. “I don’t wanna do this, I’m going the f*ck home.”
And then tried to get off the table.
10. Haha… gurl…
When my sister was in labor, she was screaming and our mom was trying to be comforting:
“It’ll be OK. Take some deep breaths. It’ll be over soon.”
Then my sister looks up at our mom and says “You have no idea what this is like.”
11. It’s not a tumor!
Paramedic here: Delivered a baby for a lady who did not realize she was pregnant and called us for ‘abdominal pain’
Patient: ‘You are an idiot! I am not f*cking pregnant’
Me: ‘Well, I can see a head crowning’
Patient: That must be a f*cking tumor!
The tumor was a healthy baby girl. Mom was totally sweet afterwards btw.
12. Bad timing…
My roommate and I just finished our labor and delivery rotation in July.
During one of the births she was helping out in, the mom and the dad were separated but still good friends. So while this woman is pushing out her baby she begins to half tell/half scream that my roommate should date her ex/the baby daddy. The conversation went something like this:
Mom: You should really….(screams in pain)….go out with….(Screams again) him sometime. He’s really fun.
Dad: I wouldn’t mind some drinks sometime, what are you doing this evening?
No, she did not go out with him.
13. Is that even possible?
I’m white, Irish ancestry so I had red hair when I was a child, and my wife is black.
Her sister was also in the delivery room. When the baby crowned her sister told her she could see the baby’s hair. My wife who can barely breathe blurted out, “The hair isn’t red is it?!”
Apparently she was terrified the baby would be black with red hair.
14. She’ll never live that down
My mothers labour was extremely short, I was born within an hour. So that means that she went from experiencing minimal pain, to extreme pain with little time to adjust.
When my dad was driving her to the hospital, he unfortunately had to stop for gas. He went into pay, and just then an elderly man in a wheelchair stopped him, asking him to buy cigarettes for him as the store was not wheelchair accessible.
My mom then proceeded to lean out the window, yelling “DON’T HELP THE CRIPPLE.”
We have never let her forget that one.
15. Get the tongs!
When my brother was born, they had to use forceps to get him out.
My mom saw them and screamed “THOSE ARE SALAD TONGS! YOU ARE NOT PUTTING ANY GODD*MN KITCHENWARE IN THERE!”
I am seriously crying laughing. The things people say at their most vulnerable are comedic gold, right?
Do you have a story as crazy/silly as this? Let us know in the comments!