I’m not your mom. I’m not your dad.
I’m also not your legal guardian.
But I do think we can all agree that I am your “Tweet Master”
And today I’m going to guide you through a hysterical collection of tweets that I, as your tweet master, firmly believe that you need in your life.
And I don’t want to hear any backtalk! Oh, sorry, I did just kind of sound like your father right there…
Go ahead and dig into these funny tweets…or else you’re grounded. Darnit, I did it again…
1. This needs to be a TV show.
Who’s gonna write the pilot?
Law and hors d’oeuvres
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) April 10, 2021
2. This is great advice for writers.
Especially the last part…
Write drunk, edit sober, submit on Adderall, read rejections on Xanax.
— Sandra Newman (@sannewman) April 14, 2021
3. Kind of a bummer, huh?
And really not very sexy at all.
did you guys all know we had to wear the retainer forever
— Delia Cai (@delia_cai) April 13, 2021
4. I’ve never heard this one before.
But you should always listen to your doctor.
I spend all day hunched over so my doctor recommended “tummy time,” for me, like a baby, and tbh my back feels so much better. I can’t wait to start crawling and eat solid foods
— sarah schauer ? (@sarahschauer) April 15, 2021
5. They know how to rock AND they’re health experts.
We salute them!
why is ACDC deciding this stuff pic.twitter.com/Z4SoDsn1VT
— nicole boyce (@nicolewboyce) April 15, 2021
6. Who is that?
Why are you wasting my time with this?
Parents love to break the news to you that someone you don't know passed away.
— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) April 13, 2021
7. This is pretty good.
Maybe we should all start using this…
My new email signature pic.twitter.com/tLDny7xV7P
— Yuliya Komska (@ykomska) April 13, 2021
8. I think this is a good idea.
Well, it’s the truth, isn’t it?!?!
Every article about J&J should include the sentence “There have been more Air Bud movies than people harmed by the Johnson & Johnson vaccine”
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) April 13, 2021
9. You might be right about this one.
That was a pretty wild time.
vaccine summer will not even come close to the manic social energy of the summer Pokemon Go came out
— allison (@allisongeroi) April 12, 2021
10. Your date is going extremely well.
You’re gonna get lucky tonight, my friend!
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red?
me, trying to impress my date: whichever onion the chef prefers
— suki (@desukidesu) April 12, 2021
11. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
But I’m guessing that it’s not good…
Im the kylie jenner of my apartment building
— helena (@freshhel) April 15, 2021
12. Oh baby, now it’s time to party!
I knew I got the vaccine for a reason!
g6 chemical has been found in the covid vaccine. side effects include gettin slizzard
— ꧁Madimoiselle꧂ (@drivingmemadi) April 14, 2021
13. How did that work out for you?
He can’t come up with a better line?
"go to bed" – a man trying his hardest to flirt
— Bolu Babalola (@BeeBabs) April 15, 2021
How about you?
Have you seen any funny tweets lately that you really loved?
Well, don’t keep them to yourself! Please share them with us in the comments!