I think it takes a lot more creativity to insult a person WITHOUT using all the swear words that we know and love.
Have you tried it? It’s actually pretty hard!
But we’re in luck today, because we’re about to get bombarded with a whole bunch of them that you can add to your arsenal.
Feel free to use some of the “clean” insults that folks offered up on AskReddit.
1. Keep quiet.
“When I said there were no stupid questions, I wasn’t asking you to try to prove me wrong.”
2. Turn it around on them.
“Someone said, “there can’t be beautiful in this world without ugly”. Well, I appreciate your sacrifice.”
3. A classic!
“You’ve got a great face for radio.”
4. Cuts deep.
“You look like you’re going to spend your life hanging on to one epiphany after another, always thinking you’ve finally figured out what’s holding you back, and how you can finally be productive and creative and turn your life around.
But nothing will ever change. The cycle of mediocrity isn’t due to some obstacle. It’s who you are.
The thing standing in the way of your dreams is that the person having them is you.”
“Your grades say marry rich but your face says study harder.
The more polite version of: you’re too ugly to be this dumb!”
6. That hurts.
“One of my favorites: You’re about as sharp as a bowling ball and twice as dense.”
7. I’m gonna use this one.
“It’s my fault, I underestimated your stupidity.”
“You are the human equivalent of a participation award.”
“You’re not the dumbest person alive, but you better pray they don’t die.”
10. Wait, what?
“I can see you weren’t burdened with an overabundance of education.”
11. It’s all true…
“I expected better.
No, that’s a lie, at this point I take it for granted you’ll keep finding ways to disappoint me.”
12. Sick burn!
“I hope you know that people just simply tolerate you.”
13. Might give it a shot.
“In Cantonese you can call someone a “bun-dan” which translates to rotten egg.
But it has a deeper meaning and implies that a “bun-dan” is someone who was born defectively, and should have been ab*rted.”
14. Stay away from me.
“I wish we were better strangers.”
15. I like this one!
“I wonder if you’d be able to speak more clearly if your parents were cousins instead of siblings.”
16. Yes, you are.
“You are a living, breathing ad for birth control.”
17. Nowhere to go but down.
“You’re not a disappointment to your parents, because they already lost all their expectations.”
18. That’s pretty good.
“I’ve always loved this Cher monologue from The Witches of Eastwick:
“I think-no, I am positive-that you are the most unattractive man I have ever met in my entire life. You know, in the short time we’ve been together you have demonstrated every loathsome characteristic of the male personality and even discovered a few new ones.
You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, you’re morally reprehensible, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humor, and you smell. You’re not even interesting enough to make me sick.”
19. Not too bright.
“You’re the kind of person who takes the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the beeping was giving you a headache.”
20. I’m gonna use this.
“You should carry around a potted plant to replace the oxygen you waste.”
21. He was a legend.
“I’m gonna go with one from Hank The Angry Drunken Dwarf…
“If they put your brain in a parrot, it would fly backwards.”
22. The master.
“Mark Twain had some bangers.
My personal favorite is:
“I didn’t attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.””
“Surely you realize by now that your friends don’t actually like you, they just feel sorry for you. So why do you keep wasting their time?”
24. I like it.
“Wouldn’t trust you to get water out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel.”
25. Bottom of the barrel.
“You’re the kind of person who should only ever get burnt bacon.”
26. Not a good thing.
“In the South.
“I’ll pray for you” and “bless your/their heart.”
Both can mean pretty much you’re a dumb*ss or a nice way of calling you a sinner.”
27. A big letdown.
“I expected nothing from you, and you still let me down.”
“It’s not that I don’t think highly of you; I don’t think of you at all.”
29. Too late for that.
“If your ancestors had possessed the foresight to castrate the village idiot, you wouldn’t even exist.”
“You talk so much, yet say so little.”
“The day I want to be like you is the day I’ll take your advice.
So far, I’m not interested in going backwards.”
“If you had more than one brain cell, they’d collide and kill each other.”
Now we want to hear from you!
What is your favorite CLEAN insult?
Talk to us in the comments.