Most of us like to think that we have a pretty good sense of humor.
That we’re a little discerning, like we think The Three Stooges are for philistines, and we can easily tell which stand-up comics are worth a Netflix special.
The bottom line is that most of us will laugh at really dumb stuff, too, and if you want proof, just try to get through this list of dumb jokes without cracking a smile.
1. A twist on a classic.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir or madam,
Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.
Sincerely,
The internet provider.
2. A different sort of fly.
Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?
A: A walk
3. I personally love this one.
How many doors does a chicken coop have?
Two. If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.
4. I tell this one to my kids a lot.
Where does the president keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
5. Dare you to tell this one.
On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.
They do just about everything together. And one day, they’re sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer’s kid is watching MTV, and they’re watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says “you know what? I’m gonna learn how to do that.”
So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, “Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar.”
Guy on the phone says “no problem. Come on down.”
“No, there might be one problem. I’m a horse.”
“Naw, it ain’t a problem. We’ll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise.”
So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he’s like “LOOK WHAT I CAN DO” and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says “holy shit. That’s awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What’s like that?” And horse says “Bass. Learn to play bass.”
So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says “Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar.”
Guy on the phone says “No problem, miss, come on down.”
“Eh, this might be a problem. I’m a cow.”
“Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise.”
So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says “Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that.”
Horse says “Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here.”
So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says “Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums.”
Guy on the phone says “No problem, man. Come on down.”
“Eh, maybe a problem. I’m a chicken.”
“Naw. Ain’t no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums.”
So chicken learns the drums, and he’s fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer’s out. And one day they’re playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he’s like “what the fuck? that sounds amazing.” so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says “Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You’re gonna be HUGE.”
So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy’s deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they’re big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there’s a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom’s real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they’re cool as hell. They say “Listen. Go see your mom. We’ll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us.”
Horse says “Thanks, guys. you’re the best,” and he takes off.
Couple of days later, Horse’s mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It’s his agent. Cow and Chicken’s plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he’s lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He’s been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he’s on that walk, he just can’t shake the blue, so he figures to himself “Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it.”
So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says “Hey. Why the long face?”
6. Why am I laughing?
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo. One of them is really heavy. The other one is a little lighter.
7. You saw that one coming, right?
This guy found a penguin. So he went to his friends and he was like “Guys I found a penguin what do I do with him?” They told him “Take him to the zoo”
A few days later the friends see the guy walking down the street with the penguin. They say “Dude, we thought we told you to take that penguin to the zoo” The guy said “I did! Now I’m taking him to the movies!” 🙂
8. Either or.
I had a dream last night I was a muffler……..woke up exhausted.
Man who runs behind bus gets exhausted. Man who runs in front of bus gets tired.
9. You’ll have to mime to pull it off.
What’s leafy, nutritious, and invisible?
Pull empty hand out from behind back
…This cabbage.
10. No one is gonna like this one.
Me “The people who live around here are not allowed to be buried in that cemetery.”
“Why not?”
“They don’t bury live people.”
11. You’ve gotta sell it.
“What’s a ghost’s favorite country? Fraaaaaaaaaaaaance (said in a ghostly, wavering voice).”
And that’s it. He could say literally any country in that voice and it would still be a dumb joke. But he sells it.
12. A practical joke.
Why are there so many D’s in Edward Woodward’s name?
Because if there weren’t, he’d be Ewar Woowar.
13. Double gotcha.
What’s brown and rhymes with “snoop”?
Dr. Dre.
A number of years ago I told this to my sister. She laughed pretty hard at first.
She then sends everyone in her contacts “What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?”
She decides she’ll wait 30 seconds before sending the follow up answer. She couldn’t get it typed for 20 solid minutes because her phone was blowing up with people texting her the word “poop”.
I regret nothing.
14. These straight ones slay me.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
“Robin. Get in the car.”
15. A play on words.
Reminds me of “What’s the difference between Grayhound stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.”
16. Make sure you do the voice.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?
Usual response: “R”
Yarr, ye’d think it be “R”, but a true pirate’s first love be the “C”
17. Perfection.
– Manuel, is your car automatic?
– I’ts manual
– Oh, I’m sorry. Manual, is your car automatic?
(translated from portuguese)
18. It’s a cultural thing.
What do u call a cow with 3 legs?
Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef
What do you call a cow with 2 legs? – your mom
19. Make people think about it.
“Without CGI, Comedy Bang Bang would just be Omedy Ban Ban”
20. Every preschooler’s favorite.
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick!
21. Points for making people uncomfortable.
Two whales are in a bar.
One turns to the other and says, “Awwwwwooooooooooorrrrrrrrghhhheeeeeeeeeaawweewwwwiiiiighhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrroooowwwwwwweyyyijraaaaaeeeeeww.
Eeeeeeeeeeeaaarrrrrhhhhhhgroooooooooyyyyiiiiiiiaaaaawwwweer.
Wooooorrrraaaawwwwwwwiiiiiiibaewwwwwww.
Eee. Oooo. Bawwwwwwwwwww.
Wheahhhhggggyyyyyyouuuuuuuuuuuuuawawawawyyiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeraaaaaaaaawwwwwouououououiiiwwweeeeeerrrrrrrrrhhhhhhawwwwwwwwwwweeeeerrrrrrr-
And the other one says,
“Go home, Frank. You’re drunk.”
The brilliance of this joke is that when you make the whale noises, people laugh. You don’t stop. It’s not the end of the joke. You keep going. They realize that you’re still going, and laugh a little bit more. That’s not it yet. The whale still has something to say. The room goes quiet, almost awkward. It’s not awkward for you. You’re telling a story. About a whale. Who’s telling his story. In whale. You keep going. The people are frozen, transfixed, enthralled.
They don’t know what to do. Should they escape? Should they stop you? Everyone in the room is aware of you. They start to laugh nervously again. You do not encourage their laughter. You are too focused on channeling the incomprehensible problems of a self-medicating cetacean. Their laughter becomes real now. They are laughing at you, at the absurdity that life has become. They are laughing because they do not understand what is happening.
They are laughing because they cannot leave. They are laughing because they are afraid. Maybe this is what the whale was saying in the first place. Then the punchline.
22. OK this isn’t half bad.
Why was the baguette in the zoo?
Because it was bred in captivity.
23. The long way around.
A man wants to learn martial arts, so he goes to his local Dojo and talks to the sensei. The sensei tells him to do a few kicks and punches to see what he is improving on. “You’re pretty good at punching, but you need to get better at kicking” he says, ” some of my senior students are teaching skills for people who are bad at those right now. Go get in line to have one of them show you.”
The man walks to the first line he sees and asks which line it is. “This is the line for people who are bad at karate chops.” is the reply. So he tries the next line: “Is this the line for people who are bad at kicking?” he asks. He is told that this is in fact, another bad karate chop line.
He repeats this process, encountering 3 more lines for bad karate chops, and 2 for bad sweeps, but none for bad kicks. On the 8th try he again asks “Is this the bad kick line?”
The person at the end of the line looks at him defeated and says “No, this is a bad punch line.”
24. Think about it.
there are three types of people in the world Those who can count and those who can’t.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don’t.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who do not and those who did not expect this joke to be in base 3.
25. Why is this so funny?
Why don’t chickens wear pants? Their pecker is on their face.
26. For the dogs.
My dog has no nose.
Really? How does he smell?
Terrible.
27. Ba-dum-ching.
I just learned Eistein was a real person.
I alway thought he was just a theoretical physicist
28. You have to wait for it.
Five hundred bricks are being transported on a plane. One falls off, how many are left?
499
How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.
How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.
The king of the jungle, the mighty lion, calls a meeting of all of the animals. Which animal isn’t present?
The giraffe, he’s still in the fridge.
A woman swims through a crocodile infested river because the bridge is out. What happens?
She made it across, all the crocodiles are at the lion’s meeting.
Although she made it across the river, she never made it to her destination. Why?
She was killed by a falling brick.
29. Just following directions.
A man is going for a walk when he sees this stunningly beautiful horse for sale, roaming about in a pasture. It’s like, a super gorgeous horse, powerful and big and grand and white with a long flowing mane. The dude’s like oh man, this is a gorgeous horse, I need to have this horse!
So he goes to the house to ask about buying the horse, and the horse is owned by a priest. The priest happily sells the man his horse, and helps him get set up.
“Now, there’s a few things to know before you take this horse for a ride. To get him to go, you must say thank god. To get him to stop, you say the Lord’s prayer. Okay?”
“Okay, got it,” The man replies, totally distracted by this gorgeous horse.
He gets on the horse and the priest says “thank god!” And the horse is off, and the man is LIVING. They’re like flying around through the fields and going faster and faster, when the man notices a cliff coming up fast. He panics, and tries everything to stop the horse, every religious phrase he can think of, but nothing works. Resigned to his fate, the man starts praying. “Our father, who art in heaven, hallow be thy name–”
And miraculously, the horse stops, inches from the cliff.
The man is so relieved, he’s near tears. He takes a handkerchief out of his coat and wipes the sweat off his brow, loudly exclaiming “THANK GOD!”
30. You’ve gotta pay attention.
Two guys walk into a bar.
You’d think the second guy would duck.
31. So wrong but so right.
Me: did you know Hellen Keller’s family had one of the most ornate and elaborate home gardens in the country during her life?
Kids: no
Me: well neither did Hellen Keller
Kids: that’s messed up (but smiling)
Me: don’t worry. She won’t hear us
Kids: cause she’s deaf
Me: no, cause she’s dead
32. And this is also wrong. Ha!
A man goes to the doctor. The doctor says, “I have bad news, and I have worse news. The bad news is you have Alzheimer’s. The worse news is you have cancer.”
The man says, “Well at least I don’t have Alzheimer’s.”
Well, I failed the smart humor test.
Tell us how you fared down in the comments – and add you favorite dumb joke to the list, too!
