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It’s time to get real, folks.
No more messing around, no more beating around the bush.
The tweets you’re about to read are the straight dope on married life. We’re going to explore the good, the bad, and the ugly sides of being hitched.
Oh, and these tweets about being married also happen to be HILARIOUS, so we can all actually enjoy them!
Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you with that ominous introduction…my bad.
Let’s have some laughs about the institution of marriage!
1. They’re still in the same place!
How many times do we have to go over this?!?!
Undergrads in South Dakota recently unearthed a triceratops skull and yet husbands everywhere can’t even find household items that haven’t moved in 12 years.
— Anna Grace (@graceupongracie) August 25, 2020
2. Don’t even think about it.
You want to keep that hand, don’t you?
https://twitter.com/CrockettForReal/status/1295456368980180993
3. Can you stop breathing for a while?
I’d really appreciate that. Thanks.
Stages of a relationship:
1. I like you
2. I love you
3. WHY ARE YOU BREATHING SO LOUD?!— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 18, 2020
4. How dare you cross the threshold.
I’ve warned you for the last time.
DATING: can’t wait to see you again
MARRIAGE: part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 21, 2020
5. It’s time to debrief each other.
Let’s go back to 3:38 a.m.
Whenever we wake up in the morning my wife and I debrief each other on all the things the other person did during the night.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 21, 2020
6. That’s way over the line.
Who is this monster?
My husband bought candy corn at the grocery store. Does anybody know if you can return husbands?
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) August 2, 2020
7. You’re wrong. Again.
Was there ever any doubt?
My wife can Google anything in .3 seconds if it will prove that I am wrong.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 10, 2020
8. She really gets you.
This is true love, people.
[anniversary]
Wife: What did you get me?
Me: A night where we stay home and do absolutely nothing.
Wife: You really do love me.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 25, 2020
9. The answer is NO.
And don’t ask again.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) August 2, 2020
10. Can we please talk about this some other time?
I don’t need this in my life right now.
Me: I think we should switch to vermi-composting
My wife: What?
Me: You know, worms
My wife: It’s 4 am, I will literally pay you to go back to sleep right now
— lucy bexley 🧃 (@bexley_lucy) August 2, 2020
11. What are you doing here?
The same thing you are, I guess…
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 26, 2020
12. Why did you do that?
You might need a weekend away by yourselves…
I sent my husband a flirty pic while he was at work. When he got home, he asked me why I sent it. So yes, the flame of our attraction is still burning strong.
— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) August 25, 2020
Okay, now we want to hear from you.
Yeah, you!
In the comments, tell us how you’re holding up during the pandemic with your significant other. Please and thank you!
