When I was a kid, I understood that as we got older, we got taller. So far so good. I was also informed by my mom that some day, I would most likely be taller than my older sister, since boys tend to be taller than girls on average.
With these two bits of information in my head, I came to the conclusion that one day, I would be older than my older sister. I was elated. Because age means seniority, and seniority is power. Soon I would be at the top of the pecking order. I lorded this over her, only to have her shut it down with a “no, that’s not how it works.”
I was livid. Inconsolable. My dumb kid brain couldn’t put it all together. But it makes for a funny story now. Just like these tweets!
12. I’m sorry?
We need to find a new way to communicate this sentiment in English.
I’m writing a condolence card. Gregory (5) asks what I’m doing. “I’m writing a note to say how sorry I am that my friend’s mom died,” I say.
He pauses for a VERY fraught moment and then asks, oh so tentatively
“…that’s just to be kind, right? You’re not the one who did it?”
— Miriel Thomas Reneau (@mirielmargaret) May 16, 2020
11. I said IF
That kid’s gonna grow up to have an anxiety disorder.
(4yo daughter is crying her eyes out)
Me: "What's wrong, tutu?"
4yo (moving her hands on the sofa): "If my fingers were markers they would ruin the sofa!"
Me: "But your fingers…are not…markers?"
4yo (peak distress): "I said IF!"
— Tomer Ullman (@TomerUllman) July 31, 2020
10. Screen it
It’s fun to have superpowers for just a little while.
When in the car with my daughter she has my phone running Spotify.
We have a game where she plays any song ever and I can guess the artist & title within seconds of listening.
She believes I’m a musical genius.
She’s unaware the song info is on the little screen behind the wheel
— Levela (@DJLevela) August 29, 2020
9. Pig out
She a little confused but she got the spirit.
congratulations especially to the little girl in her stroller this morning who pointed to my dog and proudly announced “pig”
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) November 28, 2020
8. The nug
He’s just trying to improve the recipe, why won’t you live a little?
2y.o eating his lunch: “Papa’s coffee hot?”
Me: “Yeah baby it’s hot, don’t touch.”
2y.o: “Me blow on it for Papa?”
It was at this point I witnessed with horror, my 2y.o attempt to blow on my freshly made coffee, only to spit a half eaten chicken nugget straight into it..
— Steve 🏳️🌈 (@papaneedscoffee) January 28, 2020
7. Baby you’re a firework
It’s gonna be an explosive realization later in life.
Just told my son they popping fireworks for my birthday and he believed me he said “they really love you daddy” 😂😂😭😭 kids so gullible
— LAKERS 2020 CHAMPS 🏆 (@CyphDadNextdoor) July 5, 2020
6. The nose knows
Riiiiight, that’s your story and your sniffing to it.
My 3 year old calls Flonase "mommy's special nose medicine" and now my neighbor thinks I do cocaine.
— Some Boys' Mother (@someboysmother) February 6, 2020
5. Ahoy there!
Hey, as long as they’ve got a name to attach to it.
When I told 3yo we couldn't got out again she asked if it was because of the corona pirates.
I said yes.
— Sarah J White (@DrSarahJWhite) March 27, 2020
4. Sleepy time
Sounds like you need to find a better dealer, kid.
My niece done told her school we put weed in her food at home that’s why she be sleepy 😭💀 YALL ITS PARSLEY 💀 My sister going to jail 💀
— Tunezz (@Tunezz7) November 18, 2020
3. Master of sneak
Kids love this game and every single one of them is horrible at it.
[How to lose at Hide-and-seek]
Me: [eyes closed] 1…2….3…..
4yo: [whispers] Daddy can I hide in your shirt?
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) March 24, 2020
2. A magical realm
Not sure if this really happened or not but man is it funny.
My son asked me
"Where does poo come from?"
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
— Zack Riley 🇦🇺 (@ColdHeart_Prj) January 2, 2020
1. Cyber sleuth
*Hacker voice* I’m in.
apparently my nine-year-old nephew wanted permission to make a facebook account and my sister was like "no, you're nine" and then he figured out how to make one behind her back and got caught immediately when he sent her a friend request
— Bobby Schroeder (@ponettplus) November 17, 2020
From the mouths of babes, am I right?
What’s a dumb thing a kid has said to you?
Tell us in the comments.