Marriage is one of humanity’s oldest institutions and the source of a fair bit of our historical controversies.
But on a smaller scale, it’s the framework in which you can just get mad at each other for opening cans wrong or whatever.
But don’t take it from me, take it from the actually married couples of Twitter.
12. Sleep tight
I don’t know if you really knee’d me all that much.
DATING: can’t wait to see you again
MARRIAGE: part of your knee was on my side of the bed again last night
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 21, 2020
11. Shop around
Never shop on an empty stomach.
Marrying someone is easy. Staying married after going to IKEA on a Saturday with an empty stomach, is not.
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) March 3, 2020
10. Whose job is it anyway?
Join us tomorrow, same time, same channel!
My wife and I play this fun game during quarantine, it's called "Why Are You Doing It That Way?" and there are no winners
— Eric Spiegelman (@ericspiegelman) April 4, 2020
9. Chew on this
Once you pop, the fun don’t stop.
Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing because that's the soundtrack to the rest of your life.
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) October 16, 2020
8. Pack it in
But do you just toss in a couple shirts and pants or do you prepare like you’re going to be staying at that hotel for the next four years?
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 12, 2020
7. Stay on target
It’s a tough job, but somebody’s gotta do it.
The look in my wife’s eyes when she left for Target makes me think she is going to try and save the economy in one trip.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 17, 2020
6. Can’t get it back in the tube
These are the kinds of peacekeeping measures our leaders should imitate.
Marriage is having separate tubes of toothpaste because your spouse squeezes it wrong
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 5, 2020
5. Just checking in
Didn’t know if I needed to call the cops or whatever.
My wife didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we're okay.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 22, 2020
4. Well blended
Try to use it to make him something delicious right away, he’ll forget he was mad.
I told my husband I wanted to buy an expensive blender, he said we don't need an expensive blender. Long story short, how long should I wait before I tell him it arrives tomorrow?
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) April 2, 2020
3. This is the way
Ah, alright, I’ll just stop living then.
Wife: You're doing it wrong.
Wife: *motions vaguely in the direction of my entire life*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 6, 2020
2. Let them eat cake
Why must we play these games?
My wife said she’d buy her own birthday cake this is a test right
— DadBroDad (@DadBroDad1) May 26, 2020
1. Spoon feeding
Ok we’ve been joking around a lot but this is serious – some kind of heavy intervention is warranted here.
Listen: I just found out that my husband eats spaghetti with a spoon so I can’t listen to your problems right now.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) May 15, 2020
To all the married folks – here’s to you. Try not to kill each other.
What’s marriage like in your experience?
Tell us in the comments.