Audrey Hepburn once said “If I get married, I want to be very married.” Audrey was married and divorced twice in her life, so it seems like maybe she accomplished the goal of being very married, and good for her.
A lot of other people who fit that description seem to be mostly hanging out on Twitter, complaining/venting/joking about it to the rest of us.
Just take these very married tweets for example.
13. Special delivery
Ya gotta keep things fresh, yanno.
Me: *yelling through the front door* THANKS FOR THE DELIVERY. JUST LEAVE THE GROCERIES ON THE DOORSTEP.
Wife: let me in the fucking house.
— dADDisms (@Beagz) March 28, 2020
12. Flavor of love
Kinda sounds like you’re both childish but ok.
[my husband has the man flu. After 3 days]:
M: will you please just take medicine??
H: *pouts* fine, what flavor is it??
M: what flav…it’s ADULT FLAVORED!
— Jacki (@jaxwax04) April 30, 2020
11. Folding in
Pay attention, because this is going to be extremely important, apparently.
Welcome to marriage. Here's the new way you fold towels.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 1, 2020
10. Not ok
These are the signs that you are officially slipping into old age.
My husband just said, "Okey dokey, Artichokey," and now I'm wondering if anyone can recommend a good divorce lawyer.
— ?ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ? (@3sunzzz) May 9, 2020
9. Play the fool
You gotta pay attention.
Wife: Wanna fool around tonight?
Me: I haven’t shaved, I'm really gassy and my hemorrhoids are killing me.
Wife: You could have just said “no.”
Me [already naked]: WHY WOULD I SAY NO?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 7, 2020
8. Very alarming
If this were me we’d be sleeping in separate bedrooms. Maybe separate houses.
Me and my husband have been married for over 11yrs. I know it's true love because starting at 5am his alarm goes off like 4 times every single day, and he's still alive.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) July 25, 2020
7. Sleepy time
You set a new record!
Made it to that level of marriage where you get in trouble for being able to fall asleep so fast.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 8, 2020
6. I scream, you scream
How else am I to enjoy a cool Summer treat in the winter?
My husband: We were way over on groceries last month.
Me: How did THAT happen?
Him: Well we spent like $100 on ice cream sandwiches…
Him: …babe, that’s bad.
Me: I HATE THIS PLACE IT SUCKS HERE
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) February 6, 2020
5. You’ve been replaced
Your one function on this earth has now been eliminated.
My wife managed to open a jar of pickles herself and I am now nonessential.
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) May 6, 2020
4. A toast to you!
Look don’t make me say it again.
Husband, “I’m going to the store, do you need anything?”
Me, “A bottle of champagne.”
Husband, “Oh, I got you one yesterday.”
Me, “I said what I said.”
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 5, 2020
3. A special meeting
Now, if you’ll all open up your binders…
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
— Batty (@BattyMclain) June 23, 2020
2. The reason for the season
He’s gonna be real confused when those fifty boxes turned out to be one tie, somehow.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) December 9, 2020
1. Must see TV
You know that you can’t look away.
Wife: Are you just going to walk around all day without a shirt on?
Me: Just giving you a show.
Wife: Can I change the channel?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 18, 2020
Welp, it doesn’t get much more married than that.
What’s your best bit of marriage/relationship advice?
Tell us in the comments.