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I remember when I was a kid, my dad said to me, “Son, before you ever get married, you make sure you do one thing to prepare.”
“What’s that, papa?” I asked, a gleam in my eye and wonder in my soul.
“Before you should propose, I think it only right you open up Twitter and scroll through for a while and figure out what a bunch of internet strangers have to say about being hitched. Write those down as a set of principles, and go from there.”
“I will, dad. I will.”
Today, I fulfill that promise.
12. The fry rule
Every day is fry day if you keep the peace enough.
https://twitter.com/CrockettForReal/status/1295456368980180993
11. The inverse volume law
Well but see that’s when it gets boring though.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) February 25, 2020
10. The playing doctor ritual
These are things we really need to keep an eye out for.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) July 23, 2020
9. The stand-up stare-down
One of us is going to blink first and it ain’t gonna be me.
Me:
My wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: (stands up)
Wife: While you’re up….— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 16, 2020
8. The frosting fortune
It’s too bad, we really had a nice thing going.
My husband brought home unfrosted Pop-Tarts and now I have to file for divorce. We had a good run.
— sixfootcandy (@sixfootcandy) July 13, 2020
7. Corporate culture
Never have I smelled something on this scale before.
My wife and I are both working from home.
She microwaved fish.
Time to alert HR.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 2, 2020
6. The call and response
Some things transcend life itself.
Me, giving my husband’s eulogy: It’s so hard
Husband, from coffin: ᵀʰᵃᵗ’ˢ ʷʰᵃᵗ ˢʰᵉ ˢᵃᶦᵈ.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 26, 2020
5. The rescue reminder
Gotta keep him on a tight leash.
I miss how my wife would say “he’s a rescue” whenever I misbehaved at parties.
— The Dad Briefs (@SladeWentworth) August 28, 2020
4. League placement anxiety
I can’t let this fall apart on me now.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
— Rachel (@RachelNoise) April 13, 2020
3. Butter habits
There’s very little that fatty foods can’t fix.
I’m no expert on women but making them a grilled cheese with the butter spread all the way to the edges is undefeated.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 1, 2020
2. The tea trade-off
Hey, we’re not here to kink-shame.
https://twitter.com/VisionBored1/status/1225051399320473604
1. The pass-out principle
God I’m so envious of people who can just sleep like this.
Wife: What movie do you want to watch tonight?
Me: Whatever will keep you awake past the opening credits.
Wife: That movie doesn't exist.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 23, 2020
And with those bits of knowledge, you and I are both ready. Will you marry me?
What’s your best piece of marriage/relationship advice?
Tell us in the comments.
