I remember when I was a kid, my dad said to me, “Son, before you ever get married, you make sure you do one thing to prepare.”
“What’s that, papa?” I asked, a gleam in my eye and wonder in my soul.
“Before you should propose, I think it only right you open up Twitter and scroll through for a while and figure out what a bunch of internet strangers have to say about being hitched. Write those down as a set of principles, and go from there.”
“I will, dad. I will.”
Today, I fulfill that promise.
12. The fry rule
Every day is fry day if you keep the peace enough.
In 34 years on this planet I’ve learned one very important lesson that I’m going to pass on to you fellas. She can eat your fries. You cannot eat her fries
— Crockett? (@CrockettForReal) August 17, 2020
11. The inverse volume law
Well but see that’s when it gets boring though.
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
— Sassparilla (@Megatronic13) February 25, 2020
10. The playing doctor ritual
These are things we really need to keep an eye out for.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) July 23, 2020
9. The stand-up stare-down
One of us is going to blink first and it ain’t gonna be me.
Me: (stands up)
Wife: While you’re up….
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 16, 2020
8. The frosting fortune
It’s too bad, we really had a nice thing going.
My husband brought home unfrosted Pop-Tarts and now I have to file for divorce. We had a good run.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 13, 2020
7. Corporate culture
Never have I smelled something on this scale before.
My wife and I are both working from home.
She microwaved fish.
Time to alert HR.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 2, 2020
6. The call and response
Some things transcend life itself.
Me, giving my husband’s eulogy: It’s so hard
Husband, from coffin: ᵀʰᵃᵗ’ˢ ʷʰᵃᵗ ˢʰᵉ ˢᵃᶦᵈ.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 26, 2020
5. The rescue reminder
Gotta keep him on a tight leash.
I miss how my wife would say “he’s a rescue” whenever I misbehaved at parties.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) August 28, 2020
4. League placement anxiety
I can’t let this fall apart on me now.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
— Rachel Noise (@RachelNoise) April 13, 2020
3. Butter habits
There’s very little that fatty foods can’t fix.
I’m no expert on women but making them a grilled cheese with the butter spread all the way to the edges is undefeated.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 1, 2020
2. The tea trade-off
Hey, we’re not here to kink-shame.
I was out of coffee the other morning so my husband said ‘why don’t you just have tea instead’ and next time he wanted a blow job I said ‘why don’t you have tea instead’ and maybe it caused a fight I don’t know
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) February 5, 2020
1. The pass-out principle
God I’m so envious of people who can just sleep like this.
Wife: What movie do you want to watch tonight?
Me: Whatever will keep you awake past the opening credits.
Wife: That movie doesn't exist.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 23, 2020
And with those bits of knowledge, you and I are both ready. Will you marry me?
What’s your best piece of marriage/relationship advice?
Tell us in the comments.