Apparently the Greek philosopher Socrates once said “By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
It seems that a lot of people on Twitter are caught somewhere between good and bad with their spouses and have thus turned into tongue-in-cheek-happy philosophers.
If you don’t understand what I mean, have a look for yourself.
13. If wishing made it so…
Ah, I see what you did there.
My wife, ladies and gentlemen pic.twitter.com/dH66tWoeYe
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 16, 2020
12. You’re toast
Why are these things still the most fickle pieces of technology?
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
— Just J (@junejuly12) March 4, 2020
11. Work, work, work
We’re all learning brand new things about each other.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) March 28, 2020
10. Sock it to ’em
It’s called the clothes pile and it’s a sacred place.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
— Mom On The Rocks (@mom_ontherocks) January 8, 2020
9. Standard definition
Oh cool so we’re getting a divorce then?
overheard my wife telling old friends from high school that we’ve been married for 18yrs, and when they asked “what’s ur secret,” my wife said “low standards” wtf
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) July 19, 2020
8. The great outdoors
Wow, you’re practically an explorer.
I just got my wife a giant ice coffee from my trip to the outside world so don’t tell me I don’t know a thing or two about foreplay.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) April 22, 2020
7. On a roll
But did he put it overhand or underhand? Because there is a correct answer.
My husband put the toilet paper on the roll.
Does that mean I have to do that thing he likes?
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) February 4, 2020
6. The cold shoulder
Is this dude famous on Twitter JUST for having an annoying marriage?
I have a cold and it’s pretty bad but my wife has a husband with a cold and apparently that’s way worse.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 3, 2020
5. In the mood
We gotta set real expectations for those coming of age.
Why isn’t porn more realistic? Like why isn’t there one with a husband and wife and the wife chokes violently on her spit and the husband gets alarmed they spend a good 5 mins with her coughing and him smacking her on the back and then the mood is gone so they go get donuts?
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) March 8, 2020
4. Seek and ye shall find
Solid medical burn right there. Gotta get you to the burn unit.
Surgeon: I can't find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
— Village Person (@SvnSxty) July 20, 2020
3. Birds of a feather
I guess we all gotta have a hobby.
#Quarantine week 3. My wife has started throwing baby showers for all the birds nesting in our backyard. Please send help. pic.twitter.com/qkNty8Vw3j
— AhlersAdam (@AhlersAdam) April 8, 2020
2. Shower power
I mean it’s either that or talking about things that bother you.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll be flushing the toilet every time my husband showers this week.
— Maryfairyboberry??♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) January 29, 2020
1. Yes man
Good thing ya’ll are married then, I guess?
Husband: Does it bother you when I —
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 12, 2020
I wish you all happy marriages, and happy philosophizing.
What’s your best bit of marriage/relationship advice?
Tell us in the comments.