I once woke up in the morning and somehow stretched so wrong that I hurt my leg and couldn’t walk right for three days.
That’s when I knew that I was getting older. And also remembered that our bodies are stupid fragile, and we can always manage to find new ways to hurt ourselves.
The poor souls of Reddit have their tales of woe. Look away if you’re queasy, it’s about to get unintentionally v**lent in here.
1. Eating a bagel
Severed 3 tendons in my left hand while slicing a bagel.
Basic tendon repair went over well, but my middle finger got infected. They had to put a tendon from my leg into my hand. 3 surgeries over a f**king bagel.
Holy s**t this blew up. Everyone keeps asking me if I ate the bloody bagel, no I didn’t.
2. Being barefoot
On vacation in Florida. I had forgotten my sandals at home and didn’t want to wear shoes down to the beach. Figured I’d buy a pair later; and was already the last of our group to arrive. So I walked down barefoot.
The boardwalk ended up being a lot longer than it looked due to a twist and was made out of some odd almost plastic composite material instead of wood.
I have a very high pain tolerance. When I finally reached sand my feet went from mildly uncomfortable to on fire. I had to be carried back off the beach.
2nd degree burns on the entirety of both soles of my feet. I couldn’t walk for a week. I still openly tell people it’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done.
3. Wearing parachute pants
Man is that a high bar for me.
I think this time I’ll go with the time I broke my arm because I was running and my feet got tangled in my parachute pants.
4. Running around
Winter time. Friday. Weekend of super bowl XLI was running around high school in untied timberlands.
Friend was chasing me and I tripped and fell into a hallway door and sliced my head open.
I hit the door so hard my Pokémon blue version flew out of my back pockets along with everything else in my pants.
When the janitors cleaned up the mess they brought me back a purple cartridge.
5. Going to a water park
I was trying to reposition a tube for a ride at Water World (right before going down it), slipped on the first step and sprained my ankle.
By the time I got done with the ride it looked like a baseball in place of my ankle. Second ride of the day.
Happened earlier today.
6. Extreme Golfing
Took a golf ball to the face. We were launching it out of one of those giant water balloon launchers.
I pulled back as far as I could and let go, the ball stayed in the pouch and snapped back in my face right below my right eye. We’re talking maybe a half inch from losing my eye.
My zygomatic bone took it all but surprisingly nothing broke. I just sprayed a ton of blood and had a massive black eye that migrated all over my face.
7. Staining stuff
Today I was trying to open a can of stain, the screwdriver slipped, and I stabbed it right into my other hand.
So now I’m staining stuff with a small stab injury on one hand.
8. Using a hay hook
There’s a tool called a hay hook. It looks like a big Captain Hook hand, except it’s welded to a metal bar.
You stab it into small bales of hay to make them easier to drag around.
One day I missed the hay and hit my knee.
I sneezed it dislodged a herniated disc causing me to collapse and rupturing my vertebrae crippling me permanently.
so yeah I got crippled with a sneeze
10. Petting a llama
When I was 5, I was stepped on by a llama.
My mom said I had a llama foot-shaped bruise on my back for a couple weeks.
They closed the petting zoo after that. When it reopened, they no longer allowed people inside the animal pens.
11. Scratching an itch
When I was 6 my forehead was really itchy but it was one of those deep itches that you couldn’t really scratch out.
So my bright 6 year old brain told me to get into an all fours position and try rubbing my forehead into the carpet… well I did that and ended up taking a small layer of skin off that took ages to heal completely.
12. Watching Football
Watching American football as a kid.
My dad missed the play where one of the wide receivers injured his ankle.
“Oh dad, he did this!”. I ended up with the same injury.
13. Seriously, stop reenacting getting hurt
This wasn’t me, but I was playing basketball with some friends one day and the topic of Derrick Rose’s ACL tear came up.
Friend of mine was confused how he could have gotten hurt on that play, so he tried to mimic exactly what Rose did to see if he could feel any pressure in his knee.
…he tore his meniscus.
14. Tightening your belt
I had lost about 30 pounds, and my belt was getting too big. Most people would say “oh, time to buy a new belt!” The craftier of us might say “time to get out my leather punch!” I say “time to dig a hole in the belt with my folding pocket knife!”
It folded in on itself while I was digging a new hole in the leather and cut my thumb to the bone, and had to go to urgent care to get it stitched up.
My wife bought me a leather punching tool for Christmas that year.
15. Walking downhill
I decided it would be quicker to walk down an incline of tennis-ball-sized rocks in flip flops with my hands full than walk around on the pavement.
I was right – I descended quickly!
16. Well, this takes the cake.
As a kid who just learnt how to ride a cycle, I saw my aunty visiting us with a cake in her hand.
I was so excited I rode hard and fast towards her and forgot to brake.
I rode my bike into a wall and broke my hand.
On s positive note I got biggest piece of cake.
17. Follow the white rabbit…
I’ve hurt myself in many weird ways, so this was tough to figure out.
A while ago I was riding my bike and saw a rabbit.
I wasn’t watching where I was going and rode off a retaining wall.
I got a concussion from that.
– [deleted user]
18. I declare a thumb war!
I once broke my thumb trying to give someone a hug.
Awkwardly caught it on their body and the ligament of my stretched thumb popped off and took some bone with it!
19. He was just horsin’ around.
My horse kneed me on my temple by accident, while I was kneeling down, bandaging his leg.
He knocked me out cold for a few seconds and I ended up with a very swollen black eye, for about 10 days.
He was actually just getting a better footing – not being difficult at all – and it was just a tap, but I looked like I had been KO’ed by Lennox Lewis in Round 1.
20. Merry Christmas to me?
I woke up, looked at the clock, had time before the alarm would go off, and went back to sleep.
Woke up again, looked at the clock, felt a pop and heard a sound in my neck.
I had to call my dad to come to the college, help me down 3 flights of stairs, and take me to the ER. Ruined my whole 2 week Christmas break.
21. Points for effort.
In high school as I was leaving I saw a high jump (pad and bar) on the field so I decided to give it a try.
When I landed on my back, my knee came down and I gave myself a black eye.
22. You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.
My sister said, “Hey! I wanna shoot your BB gun!”, so I give it 10 pumps, hand it to her, walk over to the tire and as I’m setting the pop can on the tire, she shoots me in the a**.
Took a Doctor 10 minutes to dig it out.
23. I’m on the fence with these two.
Well, one time when I was a kid, I was running around the yard, pushing the wheelbarrow.
I hit a big root, went flying forward into the wheelbarrow, and ended up crashing into a tree like 40 feet down hill.
Stupidest time i merely hurt myself? I peed on an electric cattle fence, cuz i thought it would be funny. It was, just not for me.
24. I can do that in my sleep.
i woke up with a sprained ankle.
i still have no clue what i did before i fell asleep or in my sleep, but suddenly i woke up, my ankle was swollen and i couldn’t walk.
25. It’s just like riding a bike – you never forget.
Around 6 months ago, I was waiting for my sister on my college campus. Around the same time, I had accidentally gotten grease on my disc brakes so they weren’t stopping correctly.
I had the great idea to stand the bicycle on the handle bars and spin the wheel from the pedals as fast as they could go on the highest gear and then pinch the disc brakes with my thumb and index finger.
This worked for a while and I got a lot of grease off until my thumb got caught in the disc break, causing it to be partially amputated and fracture the bone.
I needed 6 stitches, pain killers, and around 4 1/2 months for the skin to completely heal.
0/10 wouldn’t recommend trying
26. That’s quite an analogy.
Guy with a farm down the road: “Hey can you come help bale hay tomorrow?”
Me at 16 with no prior bale experience: “sure I’ll be there”
Showed up in basketball shorts. Left looking like I spent 3 minutes in a broom closet with 5 cats and a vacuum cleaner I couldn’t shut off.
27. No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.
Not major, but one time I somehow sliced my thumb to the point of bleeding with my other thumbnail.
It wasn’t even sharp.
No f**king idea how I did it, and I just sat there for a good five seconds staring in disbelief at my bleeding finger before getting a bandaid.
Also burst a blood vessel in my eye by sneezing too hard. I looked like a Bond villain for a bit.
28. That’ll teach you to exercise.
Not so much stupid as in my fault, but the universe was definitely laughing at me.
I decided I was finally going to get serious about running. I wanted to run for exercise for a while, but I was out of shape and embarrassed. I finally mustered up the courage to go to the gym.
I walk outside to let my dog go to the bathroom before I left, and a wasp stung me on the lower side of my foot, right in the arch (I was wearing sandals). Even had on my workout clothes and everything. My foot was the size of a softball for a week.
29. Pop pop?
I was deaf in one ear for about a week because I had built a super pop-pop cracker.
I had taken two boxes of those pop pops, or those paper snappers, and very carefully unwrapped each one.
I emptied out the contents into a tissue paper and twisted the end to form a huge pop pop.
I then accidentally dropped this inside the house, right on the tiled floors at my feet, where it exploded and echoed so loudly.
My left ear kept ringing and then I was deaf for days. My sister, who was three floors above me, even heard it.
30. The list.
I have an unfortunate talent of accidentally cutting myself on strange objects. All of these were very minor and needed a bandaid at most.
I have cut myself on:
A jar of honey
A piece of frozen ham
A locker (twice)
A pool table
Man. Sounds like a lot of things really made the cut, huh?
What’s the dumbest way you’ve ever hurt yourself?
Tell us in the comments.