We all have a useless skill or two.
Take this for example: I can make a dolphin noise with my mouth. I’ve never met anyone else who can do it in the way I can, and it’s gained me exactly nothing in this life.
I’m teaching my 5 year old niece to do it so she can keep the torch of meaninglessness aflame, because these things are important.
So what useless skills to the people of Reddit have? Let’s delve in.
1. Burp beyond limits
I can burp whenever I want and as much I want, without limits.
I mean, I can fill my stomach with air at will, allowing me to burp again and again. Also I can hold it long enough to make it go down and allow me to rip massive 7-9 seconds long farts.
Downside is that is that all that air pressure makes me look like an 8-month pregnant.
Upside is that I don’t have to worry about constipation, all that pressure pushes my poop down so fast I literally sh*t brown missiles out my *ss. I also don’t have to worry about inflatables in the pool/sea, I just float without a problem.
2. ϱnibɒɘɿ ɘƨɿɘvɘЯ
I can read mirrored writing (without mirror), read upside down writing (without turning anything upside down), and read mirrored upside down writing (you guessed it. Without using mirrors or turning anything upside down).
3. The true accent
I can imitate nearly any accent and sound like a native speaker. (has been confirmed by people I’ve met from a variety of nations, and no, they weren’t just being polite to the goofy American.) I can’t speak French for sh*t though. I sound like Clark Griswold in “National Lampoon’s European Vacation”.
4. Forget and forget
I have a wonderful ability to forget people’s names almost immediately after they tell me then avoid asking until its reached a point where it’s far too awkward to bring it up
5. Speaking my language
I can program in shellscript, it’s useful on very rare occasions.
6. Sniff ’em out
I can tell when a u.s. currency bill is counterfeit with my eyes closed.
7. Opening doors
Not super useless since it has a few uses but I can open doors with my feet.
It’s best with doorknobs.
If I have my hands full and I’m not wearing any shoes or socks I usually do this method.
8. Take the stairs
I am exceptional at going down stairs two at a time
9. That rocks
I am weirdly good at skipping rocks.
Just did it a lot as a kid and now people get excited when I toss a rock and it skips 20 times.
10. Work up an appetite
When I start talking about food people start drooling.
Apparently I just start getting really descriptive about the things I like.
Came in handy when I was working as a waiter at one restaurant and a cashier at another. I was able to upsell more customers than anyone else.
Most of the time these days it is pretty useless.
11. Achieving enlightenment
You know that question “what is the sound of one hand clapping?”
I can answer it, with either hand.
12. The impossible
I can fit the usb into the slot in the first try every time
13. Dirty Al
I can make a disgusting parody out of any song.
14. The sweet sense
Knowing if someone is unpacking any sweets in the kitchen.
15. Just browsing
I trained for a long time to only move one eyebrow as a child and as a side effect I can wriggle my ear on that side too.
Once I could lift one eyebrow I was satisfied and didn’t bother to train the other side.
16. That special touch
[I can touch my nose with my tongue] too.
I never understood why all the guys in my class would ask to see my “cool trick” and why the girls hated me.
17. Rip roarin’ time
I can reproduce the exact sound of a chainsaw with my mouth
18. Anyone can whistle
I can whistle in many different ways.
Actually very useful for annoying the f*ck out of everyone.
19. Reading and writing
I can read and write at the same time. I’ll read a bit, process it, send it to my hand, and take notes while I read the next bit. It was very useful in college but I got burnt out and have a sh*t job now, so it’s not useful to me any more :/
At my peak it was like having my own internal secretary. Good times.
Edit for clarity: Yes I mean reading one thing while writing another thing
20. Don’t do it
If I drop the soap in the shower 9 times out of 10 I can catch it before it hits the floor.
I call the skill being soapidextrous.
Sadly, I have never been to prison which is the only place this skill might come in handy.
21. The fart of the deal
Farting with whatever loudness I want. I can somehow control the loudness of my farts without a change in the quantity of them
22. A whole list.
Ooh my wife says I have quite a few utterly useless talents! Among them:
Remembering the lyrics to a song after only listening to it 1-2x.
Knowing what time it is within 5 minutes regardless of when I last looked at the clock.
Throwing our son’s toys into their baskets/buckets with stupid accuracy.
Avoiding stopping short when driving by accelerating / decelerating at the perfect time when coming up on yellow lights.
23. Very snappy
I can snap, like, really loud.
Like if i snap too close to my head or someone else’s it can cause my/their ears to ring.
24. On the fence
I took 3 years of fencing. Not a lot of call for sword fighting these days. However It did come in handy just once when I was in the army and we were getting riot control training, a bunch of us were dicking around with the batons and I managed to do pretty well in a 4 on one baton duel.
But really it’s a useless talent.
25. That’s still a thing?
I’m really good at Dance Dance Revolution.
Like not “play sometimes and can play on medium” like I’ve traveled and won tournaments in other cities and can perfect most songs on the hardest difficulty.
It’s fun and a great workout but it doesn’t really get me anywhere in life.
26. Cursed cursive
I can write (in cursive) backwards… neatly… hold it up to a mirror and its perfectly neat and legible
27. Gotta hand it to ya
I can do ALL the “hand and finger movement tricks” more or less perfectly..
Like spinning hands in opposite direction, patting head – rubbing belly, split fingers in the middle, leaving the two middle fingers together while spreading pinky and pointer finger, and so on…
I learned this back when games came on 1.44 discs and there was a lot of waiting time.
28. Battle ready
Knowledge of military equipment and tactics (I don’t claim to be a tactical genius or know how the military works, I’ve never served).
I’ve read so many books about military hardware, supply chains, tactics and much more that just ends up being useless at the end of the day.
29. Just my type
I can type fast. On typing tests I average 85-90wpm if I’m tired but I can go up to 120wpm for up to 5 minutes at a time with over 90% accuracy if my fingers are extra nimble.
It might sound useful but it’s really not. Past about 50wpm there’s no real purpose because nobody’s job is to type up documents or anything anymore.
When I’m typing an email or essay or something I don’t need to type nearly that fast.
30. Guilty slumber
I can sleep peacefully even if I didn’t do my homework
Here’s to all the useless skills out there. One day perhaps you’ll find a home.
What’s your most pointless talent?
Tell us in the comments.