It’s a lot of fun to think up alternate slogans for your favorite brands of foods, electronics, stores, what have you – especially when you get to be brutally honest about their strengths and weaknesses.
And people love truth, so who knows?
Maybe they would work.
Scroll through these 17 totally honest (but sometimes cringeworthy) slogans for popular brands and tell me what you think in the comments.
1. Oof. That hurts.
Gap Kids: for kids by kids.
“And we pass the slavings onto you!”–spokesperson Hershel “Krusty the Klown” Krustofsky
2. In more ways than one.
Ex-Lax: Because you’ve got sh%t to do.
3. Not a one.
Friskies – 42 Flavors Your Cat Won’t Eat
4. Hopefully, anyway.
Ramen: you get paid in a few days.
5. At least we know what they’re doing.
EA: Bringing Gambling Addiction to your Phone
Konami: Sales are mandatory, effort not recommended.
6. Regret is for later.
McDonalds: Eat it you filthy animal.
You don’t feel full. You just feel… different.
7. They must be afraid to write anything these days.
The onion: this wasn’t supposed to be a prediction.
The Onion: We were just f**king about and someone took us seriously
8. Also have some blisters.
Payless Shoes: Pay less. Get less. Buy another pair in 4 months.
9. Some of these are hitting a little bit hard, y’all.
The Simpsons: We don’t predict the future.
The problems of the 90s were never fixed.
10. No one knows about history anyway.
Chiquita Bananas: It was only a few massacres, not like you can find other banana brands anyway.
11. And none of them are pleasant.
Hot Pockets: Every bite is a different temperature
12. We’ve got you right where we want you.
1-800- Flowers—-waited till the last minute? pay up motherf**ker.
13. Eh, they’re just there to collect data.
Instagram: When you want to feel terrible about your inadequate life.
14. Hope you enjoy!
Nestle: “children died to bring you this!”
Nestle: “Taste the Oppression!”
15. I hope you have a good vacuum.
Nature valley bars: F**k you! Here’s some crumbs.
16. Bless everyone still holding on.
Tinder: Pay extra to stop us from co*kblocking you.
17. There’s something about the way they present things in there…
Target : When you’ll pay a little more to not shop at Walmart.
18. It’s not like Disneyland.
WalMart: you’re near broke but you need stuff.
Wal-Mart: Our mascot is the only employee smiling.
19. Only if you take Canadian money.
Pepsi: is Pepsi ok?
20. Hahaha we know you don’t have any good options.
Comcast: The number one choice for people with no choice.
21. It’s why we love them.
We’re still open.
22. You must be thinking of Wendy’s.
McDonald’s: …what ice cream machine?
23. They’re the king of the available options.
Burger King: Because Wendy’s is closed.
24. You get what you pay for, eh?
Spirit Airlines: “We got you there alive. What else do you f*cking want?”
I was on a Spirit flight where the attendant said “last year we were rated last in customer service! Don’t test me, okay?”
25. Free mints with every purchase.
Altoids – Use the box for anything else.
26. But I mean. It’s fine.
“I Instantly Believe This Isn’t Butter”
27. Just you and the shelves.
Staples: No one actually works here.
Honestly I think you could just walk out with as much as you can carry and they wouldn’t even notice, much less do anything about it
28. *chef’s kiss*
Reddit: you don’t have to read shampoo bottles anymore while taking a dump.
Reddit: social media for the socially inept
29. It’s better than swimming the channel, mate.
Ryanair – What are you gonna do, walk?
30. So many levels. Bravo.
Viagra: Try it. How hard can it be?
31. They still make those?
Yellow pages – here, you throw this away.
Yellow Pages – We printed out a portion of the internet for you!
32. They just keep trying.
United Airlines: We’re not happy until you’re not happy.
When United delayed our flight, the dude just told us, “Bet you wish you paid that little extra for Alaska over there” and gestured over to the Alaska Airlines kiosk.
33. Same food, different shapes.
Taco Bell: You can make 32 different things with those 5 ingredients, why mess with perfection?
34. Also we know that’s why you bought them.
Q-tips: listen, from a liability standpoint we have to tell you to not stick these in your ears. But we’re not your mother. You do what the f*ck you want.
35. No exceptions.
WebMD.com: We promise, it’s cancer. always.
Symptoms include: *having skin.. *eating… *breathing
36. You might as well be comfortable.
Nike: let’s face it, you’re not going to actually do it.
37. We still exist!
Bing: even we’re surprised you’re using us!
38. And an update is available.
Adobe: We don’t sell products, we sell product rentals.
These are just spot on, don’t you think?
What brutally honest slogan could you come up with? Lay it on us in the comments!