Full disclosure: I am NOT married.
But I’m around my married friends and family members a lot, so I know that even though they act like they’re happy, deep down they’re all completely miserable…
Wait, did I say that out loud? I’m sorry about that…I didn’t mean it.
What I meant to say was that they all love each other very much and every day is a miracle and a blessing…or something like that.
Whatever the case, here are some hilarious posts about marriage that we think you’ll like.
1. Marriage speak.
You know you do it.
“Did you get a good night’s sleep” is marriage-speak for “why are you being such a grumpy asshole?”
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) July 11, 2020
2. So, maybe never…
What a dumb question.
A few months after our youngest was born my husband asked me when I could stop wearing panty liners. I told him I could give them up once I stop running and jumping and laughing and sneezing and coughing and dancing and cooking and cleaning and walking and talking and blinking…
— Rhyming Mama (@sarabellab123) July 30, 2020
3. Hmmmm. She’s quick.
Don’t fall for that one again.
Me: Is it warm out?
Wife: OMG go outside and check, I'm not your personal meteorologist.
Me: Fine. [goes outside, checks temperature, comes back in]
Wife: Is it warm out?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) July 29, 2020
4. How did that happen?
That is strange…
Husband: You gotta stop being so passive-aggressive
Me: I’m not
Husband: The spaghetti I left in the sink overnight spells out “F U”
Me: Hmm, weird
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) July 9, 2020
5. How exciting!
The time of your life.
Welcome to marriage. Here's the new way you fold towels.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 1, 2020
6. She must be really happy about this.
Hard to argue with his logic, though…
Wife: What the fuck you're driving on the wrong side of the road
Me: My GPS voice is set to British
Wife: That doesn't mean you can just-
Me: Babe I don't want to confuse her
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) July 5, 2020
7. LIMES. NOT LIES.
He’s not listening.
Me: they've got little green lemons at the store
Me: no, absolutely true
— Pessimus Prime (@BigJDubz) July 28, 2020
8. What a workout!
You must be getting ripped.
me: just finished working out
wife: stop calling eating chicken wings as fast as you can a workout.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 11, 2020
9. We had a good run…
You’re doing what you have to do.
My husband brought home unfrosted Pop-Tarts and now I have to file for divorce. We had a good run.
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 13, 2020
10. That’s HOT.
This is quality bonding.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) July 29, 2020
11. He probably did deserve it.
And don’t let him tell you any differently.
I punched my husband in the face in my sleep.
He probably deserved it.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) July 29, 2020
12. Keeping it fresh.
Who said romance is dead?
My wife and I are comparing bug bites if you want to know how to keep things fresh.
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) July 28, 2020
13. Go find a tree.
Be one with nature.
Me: *just finished cleaning toilets*
Husband: can I pee in our bathroom?
Me: you can pee outside
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) July 4, 2020
Ahhhh, that married life! Isn’t it wonderful?!?!
Now let’s hear from you.
In the comments, tell us something funny about your marriage. Please and thank you!