Ohhhh, fatherhood. I’m told it’s delightful and full of twists and turns at every moment.
And…I’m also told it can make you exhausted, cranky, irritable, and pushed to your breaking point…but in a good way.
Dads, do these funny tweets look familiar?
1. What happened?
I don’t know what kind of life I envisioned myself having at this age, but watching a half-naked toddler lick the frosting off a Pop-Tart while sitting on my chest at 5:45 in the morning was almost definitely not a part of it.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 23, 2019
2. You’re doing it all wrong!
Having a 3yr old around is a bit like having the director's commentary turned on for the movie that is your life.
— Jack's Dad (@DaddingAround) May 13, 2019
3. Oh, boy…
Accidentally asked a conference room full of coworkers if they had to go potty before the meeting and my membership to the Parent Club auto-renewed itself.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) March 18, 2019
4. No more questions.
My 4yo asked why she couldn't see the moon. I explained the moon's placement in the sky and Earth rotation. Midway through my impromptu lecture, I heard her softly singing the finger family song. I stopped talking, she kept singing. I never answered her questions again.
— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) November 12, 2018
5. Annoying to the extreme.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
— Micah (@ParentalGrit) October 29, 2018
6. Of course there isn’t!
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, "Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?"
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 30, 2019
7. Blowing your whole budget on TP.
One thing the parenting books didn’t prepare me for is having to bring home a 200-pack of toilet paper every 48 hours
— The Dad (@thedad) May 2, 2019
8. No more Netflix and chill.
3-year-old: *holds the remote for 2.5 seconds*
Me: *spends hours trying to get Netflix to not be in French*
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 17, 2019
9. Smart kid.
Just asked my 7 y.o. if I could be the person who chooses the hangman word and she said, “no. You already had your childhood.”
— Dan Goor (@djgoor) October 22, 2018
10. Gonna be a great day.
Me: I wonder what delights the world of parenting will offer me today?
My 6yo kid: [rubbing toothpaste over his hands as if it’s hand cream]
— Phil (@geowizzacist) March 19, 2019
11. That was a big moment.
I became a father the day my daughter was born but I didn’t become a dad until the first time she rolled her eyes at me.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 16, 2019
12. Now I understand…
Wife: Honey why do you always wear that one old tee shirt around the house? The neck is all stretched out.
10 month old: *grabs my tee shirt neck, hauls herself up, starts slapping my face and giggling*
Wife: …yes yes I see
— Dave Learns Dadding (@DaveLearnsToDad) January 7, 2019
13. At his breaking point.
This dad I saw at the park yesterday is every parent's spirit animal. ? pic.twitter.com/MB5NTWYUT2
— Jack's Dad (@DaddingAround) July 24, 2019
14. A lot to look forward to.
Congratulations on your child saying their first words.
Before you know it, you'll be treated to such gems as, "I had to poop but I pushed it back in my butt so I don't have to go anymore."
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) July 14, 2019
15. Quite a difference.
Bounce off walls with relentless, destructive force.
Toddlers at playground:
Sit motionless on the swings screaming “HIGHER!!!” until both your arms, and will to live, are broken.
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) June 10, 2019
Keep up the good work out there, dads!
And, do us a favor: share some funny stories about raising your little ones in the comments.
We’d love to hear from you!