If you’re married, we think that the tweets you’re about to see will make you laugh, shake your head, snort, and possibly even weep.
Why is that?
Because they are TOTALLY ACCURATE.
And what else can you really ask for in a marriage tweet, right? Darn right!
Hey, let’s be honest. Folks have been cooped up in their houses for quite a while now and it’s apparent that things might be a little bit…touchy out there. But we want to bring the tension down just a little bit with some funny tweets.
So let’s quit beating around the bush and get to the laughter, okay? You can start…NOW!
1. I’m not sure that’s a compliment.
I’m just sayin’…
Not to brag but my wife says I have an answer for everything.
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) December 1, 2020
2. That escalated quickly.
Things sure changed, huh?
DATING: I could listen to you all day.
MARRIED: IF I HEAR YOU CHEW ONE MORE TIME…
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) December 2, 2020
3. You shouldn’t have done that.
It will never be forgotten.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) December 11, 2020
4. You better make it happen.
Or you’re gonna have one very annoyed wife.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 8, 2020
5. He’s clearly not paying attention.
I love that cute married thing we do where I stress to the max planning, shopping, budgeting & wrapping gifts, & my husband is just as surprised by what “Santa” brought as the kids are on Christmas morning.
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) December 12, 2020
6. Uh oh…you’re in trouble now.
This is pretty funny, though.
my wife’s mad cause i didn’t get the “right kind of frozen yogurt” pic.twitter.com/j9WnyeFFgo
— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) December 9, 2020
7. What are you, an idiot?!?!
You made the wrong choice…again.
Marriage is being told to find whatever you want for dinner and then being yelled at for what you choose.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) December 11, 2020
8. The thrill is gone.
You need to get that spark back!
him: let’s go out on a date. let me hold your car door.
him: i showered
— Lil Bit ? (@LizerReal) December 4, 2020
9. She’s very versatile.
Hey, I’m impressed!
My wife speaks four languages: English, eyerolls, door slams and sighs.
— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) December 8, 2020
10. He better keep his eyes open.
Heads up, buddy!
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) December 1, 2020
11. What will be it be for tonight?
You really only have two choices.
"Funny or murder?"
-me to my husband as I reach for the remote
— Deena Lang (@itsdeenalang) December 4, 2020
12. I feel a fight coming on.
Uh oh…here come the fireworks.
My wife: I can’t believe we’ve been married for five years
Me: that’s probably because it will only be four in January
— lucy bexley ? (@bexley_lucy) December 9, 2020
13. It was right in front of your face!
Geez…what’s his deal?
Marriage is just double checking the kitchen cabinet your husband spent 10 minutes searching for the salt, which you found in 0.3 seconds flat.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) December 4, 2020
How about you?
Are you married? Single? Looking to mingle?
Give us a life update in the comments. Thanks!