Ahhhhh, marital bliss…
After you get married, life is just sunsets and candlelit dinner
Who are we kidding?!?! It’s open warfare and it gets ugly AND YOU KNOW IT.
But at least you can laugh at it, right? Or, at least we HOPE you can laugh at it so your spouse doesn’t do anything crazy to you…especially while you sleep.
Just keep one eye open when you hit the sack, just in case
1. Now, that is sexy!
Keeping it alive!
My husband popped in from work and surprised me. After whispering a sexy suggestion to him he whispered back, “I was just in the area and I really gotta poop.”
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) July 25, 2020
2. Yeah, it’s been a long year…
And we’re not done yet…
2019: Celebrating our 12 year anniversary
2020: Celebrating our 55 year anniversary
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) July 31, 2020
3. Better be on your toes.
Sounds like a blast.
Indoor parkour but it's just my wife and i going to change the thermostat on each other. forever.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) July 30, 2020
4. Don’t push her buttons.
If you know what’s good for you.
Wife: Today was awful.
Me: Tomorrow is a new day.
Wife: Is that a threat?
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 31, 2020
5. There’s really nothing else to do right now…
Besides plan out your meals.
Husband: Should we start thinking about lunch?
Me: I've been thinking about lunch since I finished breakfast.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) July 29, 2020
6. Hey, nice work!
The spark is still there.
In case you’re wondering how well I’ve maintained my looks my husband asked what fancy place I was going to because I put a cardigan on. Over my pajamas.
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 26, 2020
7. What are you trying to do to me?
Maybe she should stop buying in bulk?
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) July 25, 2020
8. Now I’m confused.
Okay, start from the beginning.
I don’t know what’s so hard for men to understand. I’m fine means I’m fine and I’m fine means you have 2 minutes to vacate the premises.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 29, 2020
9. He did it!
He’s doing a great job!
Me: honey, can you call and check on this bill for me?
[1 day later]
Me: honey, did you make that call?
Husband: shoot I forgot, I will today!
[1 year later]
Husband: I made that call you asked me to do the other day.
— Divergent Mama (@divergentmama) July 21, 2020
10. Where did the ketchup go?!?!
You know he’s not gonna take the time to find it.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) July 6, 2020
11. She’s in there.
That’s not what she meant…
Me: Honey, can you please listen for the kids and watch them while I go to the bathroom?
Husband: Sure. *listens to the kids call for me and watches them come ask me questions while I’m on the toilet*
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) July 30, 2020
12. It’s not what you’re thinking…
I think a lot of people do this.
I track my husband’s location but it’s not what you’re thinking. I need to know when he’s almost home so when he walks in I’m cleaning toilets instead of watching Hulu.
— Jordyn Armour (@survivingmommy_) July 24, 2020
13. He’s gonna be sad…
Autocorrect just changed my text from, “I’m going to save my muffin” to “I’m going to shave my muffin” and now my husband is racing home toward some real disappointment.
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) July 13, 2020
14. She knows. She knows EVERYTHING.
And she’s always right. No need to say it anymore.
Husband: You were right about th-
Me: Yeah, I know.
— smerobin (@smerobin) July 14, 2020
Now we want you to sound off!
In the comments, tell us about some funny or ridiculous things that your spouse has done recently.
We can’t wait to hear from you!