Parents love their children. But they also love their children’s bedtime. If at this moment, you’re getting some precious child-free moments, read these 15 hilarious parenting tweets that will bring some laughter to your so-called social distancing days.
1. We plan to use the coronavirus excuse until they turn 18.
The only way we’re safe if it’s been totally eradicated from this galaxy.
Can’t wait to keep using the coronavirus excuse long after it’s over.
Kids: Dad, can we go to the playground?
Me: Sorry, guys. Quarantine.
Kids: But that was three years ago!
Me: (cracking beer) Can’t risk it.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 11, 2020
2. We will make them our personal accountants.
They’re way better in math than we were.
me: what is 345 minus 127?
me: *filling in taxes* thanks
— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) April 22, 2020
3. Meddling kids.
They shouldn’t drive a Mystery Machine though.
Living with toddlers is like being stuck in an episode of Scooby-Doo, with all the running between rooms and slamming of doors.
— A Bearer Of Dad News?? (@HomeWithPeanut) April 20, 2020
4. Barbie dolls are doing amazing things lately.
But even they are on stay inside orders.
I was living vicariously through my 4yo’s Barbie dolls because they were always doing something awesome but now she’s pretending they’re in lockdown too so even that’s ruined.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 19, 2020
5. Kids like lots of details.
They’ll even give them to you twice without asking.
My kid can tell me all about a 24 minute episode of Paw Patrol in 56 minutes.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 21, 2020
6. Keep your judgements to yourselves.
We pick our battles.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
— Marriage And Martinis (@MarriageMartini) April 23, 2020
7. Our children, future restaurant critics.
Make your own damn cold cereal.
My son complained that he didn’t like the breakfast I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 19, 2020
8. Their scary thoughts are not our scary thoughts.
Son: I had some scary thoughts.
Me, rolling up sleeves to have a big father-son talk about All Of This: Okay. What kind of scary thoughts?
Son: Vacuum cleaners. Broccoli.
Son: Vacuum cleaners are LOUD.
— Lin-Manuel Miranda (@Lin_Manuel) April 22, 2020
9. Watching our children is like looking in a mirror.
And then thinking of calling a therapist.
Have kids so you can watch all of your personality flaws manifest in human form
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) April 23, 2020
10. Toddlers are boneless.
How do they do that?
me: please stand still so I can put on your pants
my toddler: pic.twitter.com/BoXGUo4q4A
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) April 22, 2020
11. We were not prepared for this.
For the love of God, where do all the pencils go?
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 21, 2020
12. Toddlers will absorb everything we say like sponges.
And make us regret it.
Made the mistake of teaching my toddler the phrase “I’m chillin’” so now when I ask him to do something he doesn’t want to do he screams “NO I CAN’T I’M CHILLIN” in the most un-chill way possible.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) April 25, 2020
13. Children are great observers.
They grow up so fast.
5-year-old: I'm pretending to do grown-up things.
Me: Like what?
5: Being tired all the time.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 21, 2020
14. What’s a long story to a child?
We’re afraid to find out.
My 4yo said she has to tell me something but wants to tell me later because it’s a long story. Now I live in fear of finding out what her idea of a long story is.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 25, 2020
15. Common core math is from satan.
Satan sent us common core math.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches: pic.twitter.com/JkHv5Jwm8e
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 24, 2020
A pro tip here for new parents. At the magical hour of bedtime, you will want to resist the temptation of watching your child drift off to sleep. They can smell when we’re about to be happy and then their little eyes will pop open like it’s 6 a.m.
Just cover them up and run like the wind!