I remember when the pandemic started and things started to shut down here in the U.S. in March 2020, I thought it would last two or three weeks.
No way it would drag on for months and months, right?
Well, here we are almost a year later and we’re still living in quarantine, more or less. And if you’re married, you know that it’s been a bit CHALLENGING at times to deal with your spouse.
So, naturally, the question rises among married folks…”what marriage vows would I have made if I’d know about the quarantine…”.
People took to HuffPost to share their revised wedding vows.
Let’s get funny!
1. Baberaham Lincoln.
“I promise to never loudly shout from the other room ‘Hey Baberaham Lincoln, what sounds good for dinner?’ before confirming you’re not video chatting with your boss.”
2. All of this stuff.
“I promise to always use deodorant whether I leave the house or not. I promise not to chew or breathe until you are in the safety of another room.
I promise not to pretend to be the first victim in the zombie apocalypse and spend 45 minutes trying to eat your brains.
I promise not to try and re-create any meals from our favorite restaurants.”
3. He really messed up.
“Our marriage vows should have included my husband promising not to eat my secret snack stash.
I’m more lovable when I have carbs.”
4. No more obscenity.
“Tom, I love you. You’re my best friend.
Today I give myself to you in marriage.
I promise that I will put the little Post-It on the camera hole as you are walking by only wearing black socks.”
5. Well, there’s this.
“Marriage vows in the future should include things like ‘During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
6. I promise…
“I promise not to throw your phone in the toilet when you’re watching stupid Tik Tok videos.
I promise not to hide the remote control in the covers on purpose so you never find it. I promise to stand way more than 6 feet away from you when I’m eating my Starburst jelly beans so you can’t share them.
I promise to make sure your quarantine honey-do list is no more than five pages long.”
7. Little white lies.
“I promise to love, cherish and lie to you about your weight gain.”
8. You are a great person.
“I vow to wear pants without an elastic waist once per week to remind you of the woman I once was.
I vow to use no more than 50 percent of our stimulus check to buy dog costumes.
I will listen calmly to your bourbon-fueled, paranoid tirade about how Columbia House and BMG Music were defrauding the lower-middle class.”
9. What a deal!
“I promise to follow social distancing protocol by skipping all future dinners at your mother’s house.”
10. That thermostat, though…
“I take thee, to have and to hold, from this day forward, even if we forget what day it is.
For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, in boxers and in yoga pants.
To love and to cherish, till death or thermostat setting do us part.”
“My Melissa, I promise that I will learn how to grocery shop before a global pandemic hits.
Apparently the family voted me most expendable, and now I am doing all these trips during quarantine and it is costing us a lot of extra time and money. I’m sorry.
And I’m also sorry that I didn’t realize ‘BOGO tomatoes’ wasn’t a type of tomato, but meant ‘Buy One, Get One.’ My bad.”
12. Uh oh…
“I promise if I ever beg you for a home haircut, we will pretend the result is a masterpiece of Edward Scissorhands’ instead of a victim of Sweeney Todd’s.”
13. Packin’ on the LBs.
“I know that couples gain weight over time, but I promise to keep my quarantine fifteen down to a reasonable five.
And when we’re allowed back outside, I’ll do my best to exercise it down to a quarantine three, and maybe only go up one jean size.”
14. You needed this.
“I promise to communicate using words, and not by rage vacuuming around you.
When you tell me you’re exhausted of doing the chores, I promise to not brag about feeding the fish.”
Okay, now we want to hear from you.
In the comments, tell us about the marriage vows YOU would have made if you knew that the quarantine was gonna happen.
Let’s see what you can come up with!