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Do you like jokes? I love jokes. In fact, I can’t get enough of them.
That’s why we need to quit messing around and read these jokes that AskReddit users claim are the funniest ones that they know!
Do us a favor, won’t you? Share your favorite funny joke in the comments with us.
1. I love a good cannibal joke.
“One day 3 people were stuck on an island with cannibals. the cannibals said, “if you do what we say, we wont kill you”. so the 3 people followed the orders the cannibals.
So the cannibals said, “go into the forest and pick 10 fruits of the first fruit you see”.
So the first person came back out of the forest with 10 apples. the cannibals said, “put the apples up your ass without making a facial expression”. The person then made a facial expression after the second apple, so the cannibals killed him.
The second person came back out of the forest with 10 cherries. the cannibals said, “put the cherries up your ass without making a facial expression”. The person then started laughing on the tenth cherry, so they killed him.
In heaven, the person with apples asked the person with cherries “why did you start laughing?”. The person replied, “i saw the third person come out with pineapples.” “
2. Can he see alright?
“Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, ‘What a beautiful baby.’ The mother said, ‘Why, thank you, Johnny. Johnny said, ‘He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?’
‘Yes’, the mother replied, ‘we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.’
‘That’s great’, said Little Johnny,’coz he’d be fucked if he needed glasses’. “
3. Captain Bravo.
“Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ”Bring me my red shirt!” The first mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock Bravo led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on that day, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, they was victorious over the two ships.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs and one of them asked the captain, ”Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied, ”If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.”
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the horizon. The first mate asked, “Shall I bring your red shirt?”
Captain Bravo calmly replied, ”No. Get me my brown pants.” “
4. This is pretty good.
“I recently got caught masturbating to a National Geographic magazine. I don’t know who was more embarrassed, me or my dentist.”
5. Old Paddy.
“Old Paddy is at the bar and he’s in one of his drink until everything is forgotten stages.
The bartender [a good friend] continually tells him he’s had enough and to go home.
Finally after several last calls, Paddy declares “I’m going home”, promptly falls off his high bar stool and drags himself to the door.
He hails a cab while face down on the curb, manages to open the door and drag himself from his sprawled position into the backseat. The cabby drives him home with Paddy singing nonsensical music to himself the whole way. Paddy rolls out of the cab manages to drunkenly flop his way across the lawn, gets the front door half open and passes out.
The next day because the bartender is also a good friend he checks on paddy, and seeing him lying on his back in the doorway says, “Paddy, you were drunk last night weren’t you?”. Paddy replies, “Yes, but I didn’t think I was that drunk, how did you know?”. To which the bartender replies, “You left your wheelchair at the bar”.”
“A magician was walking down the street. Then he turned into a grocery store.”
7. You’re still doing it!
“My friends think I’m really condescending.
That means I talk down to people.”
8. Blew a seal.
“A penguin was driving along through the desert when his car broke down. He got it towed to a garage.
The mechanic told him that there is a couple of people ahead of him and it might take some time.
So the penguin goes across the street to a corner store and gets himself a vanilla ice cream cone. He eats it outside, but it’s hot, and all he has are those little flippers. He ends up getting vanilla ice cream all over his face, chest, and even on his feet.
He waddles back to the garage, wishing he had hands or, failing that, napkins. The mechanic sees him coming and walks over.
“Looks like you blew a seal,” he said.
“No, no! It’s just ice cream!””
9. A timeless classic.
“A grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.”
Grasshopper says “YOU HAVE A DRINK NAMED STEVE?””
10. Poor rabbit.
“A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, “Excuse me, do you ever have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?” and the rabbit says, “No,” so the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.”
“A man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a Johnnie Walker Black and the bartender says “That’ll be three cents.”
The man replies “Only 3 cents?! Amazing! Well then how much for a filet mignon and a baked potato?”
The bartender tells him “10 cents.”
“10 cents?! And a piece of chocolate cake for dessert?”
“2 cents.” says the barkeep.
Astonished, the man asks “Say, where’s your boss? Does he know about all this?”
And the bartender says “He’s upstairs with my wife.”
“What’s he doing with your wife?”
“Same thing I’m doing to his business.””
“When I die, I’d like to go quietly and in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not yelling and screaming like his passengers.”
13. Stop doing that!
“So I went to the doctor last week for a check up, and the doctor was like “you have GOT to stop masturbating!” and I was like “oh no Doc! Why?!?”
And he said “because I’m trying to examine you!””
14. Get it?!?!
“How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Microwave it until it’s Bill Withers.”
15. Think about that one.
“Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.”
OMG. That one about the wizard got me. So short and so sweet. Boom!
Which was your fave? Let us know in the comments!