Toxicity in relationships can take on many forms. Over the last few years, I’ve learned to identify traits in people that affect me mentally and physically. Therefore, I chose to exclude them from my life.
Did it cause pain to let them go? Yes. It’s like losing a part of your heart.
I swear, I went through the five stages of grief—Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance—because I was (still am) grieving.
Photo Credit: Pexels, Kat Jayne
The separation started with my best friend of 15 years, and recently occurred with my sister.
Which was more difficult? Hard to say, but splitting with my sibling was less forgiving with the family.
Things were said like: That’s your sister, I’m sure you two will forgive each other, and be the bigger person. OMG, the guilt. It was as if to say, since we are blood, there’s no choice but to make this person a part of your life. Toxic or not.
Suffice to say, things have been awkward/hard but I’ve often wondered if I was wrong to create the divide. After all I’ve known her my whole life!
That was until I found Thought Catalog’s list of “….Things I Learned From Cutting Out a Toxic Family Member” and the guilt lifted a bit.
Today, I’ll share some of those with you.
10. One day you’ll realize your worth
“No one has permission to treat you like crap.
Not even the people who raised you.”
9. There isn’t any less love for that person, but the guilt needs to end
“You cannot let the guilt get to you.
No matter what this person put you through, no matter how much hatred you hold for them in your heart, a part of you will always love them. You will always wish things turned out differently. But that does not mean you made the wrong decision.
It does not mean you should reach out to them again.”
8. Your family will encourage an “olive branch”, but you have the right to protect your heart
“A lot of people are not going to understand your decision. They are going to encourage you to reconnect. They are going to say things like family is the most important thing in the world.
Remind yourself they have no idea what you went through. They do not have a right to judge you.”
7. While you can’t control how someone is, you can control how they make you feel.
“You cannot change your family member.
You are not in charge of their actions.
You are only in charge of your own actions.”
6. If there’s consistent pain caused, you have the right to step away. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
“You are allowed to cut toxic people out of your world — even if you have strong history, even if they are family, even if they have done a lot for you over the years.
You are not obligated to keep them around if they are causing you pain.
You are allowed to leave them in your past.”
5. Love yourself first
“Cutting a family out of your world does not make you a bad person.
It makes you self-aware.
It makes you strong enough to do the right thing.”
4. Know that the pain of leaving will hurt, but it will ease over time
“Even though walking away is best for you, it is going to hurt like hell.
It is never easy to leave behind someone who was a part of your life for such a long time.”
3. Don’t feel obligated to keep a relationship if it’s doing you harm
“You are allowed to cut toxic people out of your world — even if you have strong history, even if they are family, even if they have done a lot for you over the years.
You are not obligated to keep them around if they are causing you pain. You are allowed to leave them in your past.”
2. You can’t choose your family, but you can surround yourself with people who love and cherish you
“Sometimes, the people who share your DNA are the ones who will treat you the worst.
But that is okay, because you can create your own family. A better family. A family you choose, not a family that was forced upon you.”
1. There will be trying days in which you’ll want to forgive them, but you are better without them
“Even though there are going to be days when you miss them.
There will be days when you are tempted to rekindle your relationship with them.
You have to remember you are better off without them.”
With these small gifts of advice, I still push through the hard days and continue to remember my worth.
Remember, you are loved by the good people in your life.
They (and you) are the ones that matter.
