I remember when I was in middle school and high school, there was always one girl in my class who was dating a guy who was WAY older than she was.
Like, inappropriately older…
I’m talking about a 14-year-old girl dating a guy in his early 20s…and I always thought that was incredibly weird and creepy.
But what do folks think about a 30-year-old dating a 19-year-old?
Let’s see what AskReddit users said about this.
1. Life stages.
“”Stage of life” differences.
Sure, you might find someone at the end of the bell curve who has their life thoroughly sorted by 19, but it’s often more likely that the 30 yo is in a state of arrested development emotionally stunted.
I’m not saying the 30 yo should “grow up” because the people who most often use that phrase are the ones most in need of the advice, but the issue isn’t the disparity in age, it’s the disparity of priorities of the people in the relationship.”
2. From someone who went through it.
“I would just like to say as someone who has experienced this same situation, just be prepared.
It may not be illegal but society looks down upon it, and mostly for good reasons. There is a huge power dynamic between the two. One is an adult with life experiences while the other is just starting their adult life.
Be prepared for awkward family get togethers, strangers either confusing you for parent/child Or looking at you with disgust.
Be prepared for everyone counting on your relationship to fail, and statistically they aren’t entirely wrong to assume such.
Be prepared to have vast differences as you come from entirely different generations and upbringing.
Be prepared for the older person to try and by like your dad/mom lecturing you sometimes.
Also be prepared that maybe the older person is using you for a play thing that he/she is with because you are easier to control and manipulate.
The older person likely has a lowered sense of self worth and maturity and has trouble finding people their own age so they seek younger. Also the younger person may set unrealistic expectations on the older person.
People change a lot as they grow older from their early 20s to their 30s, but change very little onwards so that connection and commonalities that you guys had, might change and your relationship is very likely to fade.
Some people can make it work, but the odds of it working are VERY slim. It’s hard enough to understand or get along with others within your own age group, but even more so with people of vast age differences.
I was 18 when I got with my 37 year old boyfriend. We had a child, he was abusive and we lasted less than 2 years.
He wanted to stay young forever, while I was the only one taking responsibility for our actions. I grew up, but he never did.
I forgive him for all the stuff he’s done, but I’ll never forget. I haven’t seen or talked to him in a little over 6.5 years, and neither has my son.”
3. Messed them up.
“My first boyfriend was 32. I was 19. We were “together” for 3 years.
He f**ed me up. He did the “we’re close, but I don’t want a commitment.” And I was like “OK!” He must really like me since he’s so much older and wiser. This is what adults do. They don’t commit to each other and everyone just always keep their options open. Plus I was so young and he told me that I wasn’t ready to settle down.
He said I was really smart for my age. All of his other girlfriends always went psycho and it was so nice that I was so young and wise and understands things that other girls don’t. And he said he’d pay for my belly button piercing when I lost the weight. So generous. And I was a virgin and he said he always wanted to be someone’s first. Such a f**king creep.”
“Personally I think it’s weird.
A 19 year old is basically fresh outta high school, barely an adult mentally.
A 30 year old is a full grown adult who is way older mentally and physically.”
5. No way.
At 19 I would totally have dated a 30 year old, but now I’ve seen what 30 looks like from the inside, there’s zero chance I’d be interested in someone that young. They would annoy me.
19 is such a huge age for personal development and risk taking, you’ve got minimum responsibility and maximum potential. At 19 I was drinking booze every weekend, travelling and sleeping in my car, wearing weird outfits, almost always broke, just did whatever came to mind at the time – it was awesome!
At 33 I’m a mum with a structured routine, healthy lifestyle, strict budget and a cupboard full of very appropriate mum-clothes. I would be wary of the motives of a 30 year old who dates a 19 year old.”
6. Be wary.
“The younger person should be wary of the kind of person who is in their 30s and is pursuing someone who is still in their teens.
Why do they not want someone who is closer to their own age? Is there something that they do that someone who is a bit older would recognize as being a red flag?
I have always been a fan of the old rule “half your age plus 7″, anything outside of that is a bit weird to me.
That being said, I am being a bit hypocritical here, I dated a 32 yo woman when I was only 19, and the reason why I mentioned the above red flags to watch out for is because I missed a lot of them during that relationship.”
“First challenge. Both parties have to come to terms that the other will age. The older person likely is into young people (whether it’s their looks, energy, or something or other) which can shake up to end up anywhere from “my [insert attractive young quality] stays like this for a long time” to “ch-ch-ch-changes.”
The older person has to be willing to make sacrifices to not rob someone of their youth. The younger person has to learn to accept the older person will likely die first and may have to make sacrifices to make the relationship work. They also have to be emotionally mature and s**t.
Second challenge. You will be judged. Fairly or unfairly. Friends and family will judge for a decade or so. Strangers will judge for as long as the age difference looks jarring. You gotta both be able to deal with it.
Third challenge. Aligning the goals. Sometimes it works out that both people have similar short and long term goals. I’d bargain that’s pretty rare. If you don’t fulfill yourself in life, you can’t fulfill a partner and you will resent them eventually. You will also stunt your emotional growth.
Fourth challenge. Respect. You’re at different stages in life. The experience imbalance is real. Getting snarky, disrespectful or whatever about someone else’s perspective is not love, it’s a power trip, condescension, and supreme lack of empathy. Don’t be that person.”
8. Look like kids.
“Honestly I’m 29 and sometimes 22 year olds look like kids to me– let alone 19 year olds.
I see girls in the liquor section of Target and am like, “that kid is old enough to buy liquor???”
I just don’t get being attracted to someone who, compared to you, is still a kid.”
9. Not there mentally.
“I’m coming up on 25 and I can’t imagine dating a 19 year old under any circumstances.
I feel out of place going to any college bar just because of the vibe.
No shame to college aged kids but I am just not there mentally.”
10. Even that was different.
“I dated someone 20 when I was 25 and even that was like drastically different.
Like being an adult, and paying bills, starting a career vs someone living at home and being a full time student.
It made a huge difference and even though we both eventually were on the same level. There was always something unbalanced in how we started.”
11. Truly sick.
“I was 18 and he was 39.
Now that I’m a parent and in my late thirties, I can’t even fathom what it would be like to get with someone so young.
It’s truly sick.”
12. Happy ending.
“I dated a guy who was 30 when I was 19. It didn’t last long and it just didn’t work out.
We re-connected when I was 26 and started dating again and 5 years later we are about to get married.”
What do you think about this?
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