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A quick search on Amazon reveals that that store alone has over 60,000 books on the subject of marriage.
Assuming an average of 200 pages and an average reading speed of 2 minutes per page, it would take you *gets out calculator* *consults abacus* *makes a sacrifice to the gods of math*…
…more than 45 years to read them all, and that’s if you somehow never needed to sleep.
Way too much, right? How do we get the inside scoop on marriage without committing ourselves to such a feat?
Simple, we’ll just turn to Twitter.
10. Hit the deck
Oh girl, I’mma need you to dish.
Wife and I are drinking outside on the deck and the neighbors are also outside having a massive argument so looks like our night just planned itself
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) April 24, 2021
9. The over/under
Anyone who doesn’t do this is a sociopath.
Just caught my wife teaching our 5yo to put the toilet paper on the roll in the “over” position and it was like falling in love all over again.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) April 24, 2021
8. Meet me in the middle
Guess that’s what they mean by “if looks could kill.”
My wife can give the finger with her eyes.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) May 2, 2021
7. Talk to me
I meant like, as a concept.
Wife: We never talk anymore.
Me: (puts phone down) Okay, let’s talk.
Wife: Ew, not now.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 22, 2021
6. I got a feelin…
You’re not all gonna get this one but the people who do will love it.
SON: There's a new kid in my class. I think his name is Bill…or Billy
ME: Or Mac or Buddy?
HIM:
WIFE: *from another room* ALL I WANNA DO, IS HAVE SOME FUN
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) May 2, 2021
5. Hold my beer
Or, yanno, probably a non-alcoholic beveridge, I guess.
Every married couple has a favorite car cup holder that their spouse knows to respect.
— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) May 30, 2021
4. Under wear?
On the other hand, you’ve really given the neighbors something to talk about.
Husband informed me the shorts I’ve been running in around my neighborhood are actually just underwear. How’s your month going?
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) April 24, 2021
3. Sports!
That’s the part they don’t really tell you about.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of hitting a happy hour on Friday you can wash sports uniforms and I can try to pick which can of beer or seltzer pairs best with the hamburger helper I’m making.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 30, 2021
2. One is never enough
Better get a few hundred more, just in case.
Imagine being so stupid that when your wife or girlfriend asks you to take a photo of her and you take exactly one photo.
— karanbir singh 🫶 (@karanbirtinna) April 23, 2021
1. The song
Nah, that could really be about anybody.
I can hear my husband in the next room singing an original song that seems to be directed at me. The lyrics: “I’m so very cold. This house is oppressively freezing. No one cares about my needs.”
— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) May 24, 2021
No need to read any books at all when you’ve got that kind of wisdom at the ready. If you’re thinking of getting married, consider that the full tutorial.
What’s your best piece of relationship advice?
Tell us in the comments.
