I don’t know if you’ve heard of this Twitter place or not, but basically it’s a website where you can write as much as you want about anything you want, except you have to do it in little chunks because your readers are way too easily bored for your big meandering essays.
It’s great. They’ve got everything.
Even jokes! Like these!
10. Upstairs, downstairs
Supposedly this mental phenomenon has something to do with a shift in neurology when you cross a threshold but I think it’s goblins.
I wish my downstairs self could tell my upstairs self what I went upstairs for.
— momsbehavingbadly (@badbadmoms) November 7, 2020
9. The eternal questions
I have never bought a rug larger than a bath mat because I’m not King Midas.
why are rugs so expensive? pillows? curtains? why does the trash can fill up so fast? why do i have to clean my kitchen so much? where the fuck is all this dust coming from???
— isabel (@isabelfulla) October 8, 2020
Can’t help but notice you didn’t end your sentence with any punctuation, Dylan.
People who correct your grammar during a conversation always die alone
— Dylan Palladino (@dylanjpalladino) August 11, 2019
7. Leggo my eggs, though
You can grow an appreciation for the little things.
And then one day you just wake up and say "I FUCKING LOVE POACHED EGGS!"
Aging is weird.
— Lazor (@Lazor2828) November 22, 2020
6. Something to chew on
Also gadge how much you can tolerate their most boring story, because you’ll hear it a lot.
Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing because that's the soundtrack to the rest of your life.
— Lil Bit of Holiday Cheer ? (@LizerReal) October 16, 2020
5. Over the hill
Would we call these videos “viral” though?
Kill me before I reach the age where my grandkids can force me to be in their shitty viral videos.
— Rob Stern (@TheRobStern) November 14, 2019
4. Carry me home
Getting thrown shade by Idris Elba would be absolutely devastating.
When my kid falls asleep in the car after I carried him around all day pic.twitter.com/N0IOSMfSXz
— The Dad (@thedad) May 30, 2020
3. Classy moves
I can always appreciate an aggressive sales tactic.
you’re gonna like the way you look, you fuckin bitch pic.twitter.com/s33Ft0Sclm
— Josh (@FLITTER) November 23, 2020
2. New expectations
All of America for the last five years or so.
me (then): I hope something good happens.
me (now): I hope whatever bad thing happens is at least funny.#10YearChallenge pic.twitter.com/9jBm0DIEsN
— ʟօѵe (@sceneryeo) January 19, 2019
1. Who goes there?
Dang, you’re gonna get those notifications in surround sound.
Wireless doorbells sitting on their chargers. pic.twitter.com/sKwODbuYX2
— Robert Valleau (@rjvalleau) May 18, 2019
All those great jokes just floating around the internet waiting to be seen, for free. What a time to be alive, am I right?
Who are your favorite people to follow on the Twitters?
Give us your recommendations in the comments.