Today’s selection of tweets is really something special, in that there’s no rhyme or reason to any of them, nor any connective thread other than that they are funny.
And if you need more than that from a tweet, you’re too high-maintenance of a person.
So for everybody else, let’s just laugh.
15. Seeing red
When you’re here, you’re family.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that's basically what it's like having kids
— Salty Mermaid Entertainment (@saltymermaident) January 7, 2019
14. Do the math
I need to know what let up to this epic battle.
Octopus: [ Gun in each hand ]
Cat: you’re one short buddy
— PickleDick ☾ (@MauPlascencia) June 27, 2019
13. Judge not
How’s come you won’t evaluate me based on what I feel like I probably am?
Honestly how dare people judge me solely based on what I do and what I say and the beliefs I hold deeply?
— Emily Murnane (@emily_murnane) July 24, 2019
12. Quick fix
Please hold, your call is very important to us.
I got a job at Comcast and completed training so I could fix my own cable because it was faster than being on hold with customer service.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 8, 2017
11. Spill the beans
It’s all the same ingredients in different combinations.
I feel like I’d describe myself as an emotional taco.
Hard on the outside and everything on the inside eventually ends up coming out and making a mess of things.
— EmotionallyBoujee (@EmotionallyBou1) April 9, 2019
10. The daily grind
This is very, very alarming.
How people set the Alarm,
Me- 6.30 AM, 6.45 AM, 6.50 AM, 6.55 AM, 7 AM
— Ray&KayRaisedMe (@BosRaisedChevy) January 1, 2014
9. Alienating questions
Boy, this is a fun little throwback to a simpler time, huh?
ok but does anyone know any details for the 'raid area 51' party like how cute are we supposed to look? and what time are you guys going cus like I don't wanna be the first one there but I also don't wanna be too late where it's like rude? is anyone bringing snacks
— sloane (sîpihkopiyesîs) (@cottoncandaddy) July 22, 2019
8. Mythical creatures
Excuse me, how high are you right now?
how are unicorns fake but giraffes are real like what’s more believable a horse with a horn or a leopard-moose-camel with a 40 foot neck
— Kyle Brownlee (@_kylebrownlee) July 14, 2018
7. Try, try again
God bless these terrible cultural nostalgia cycles.
You either die a hero or you live long enough to see everything you love come back as a disappointing reboot.
— Missy Baker (@TheMissyBaker) July 24, 2019
6. Mr. Pots
No, they’re right, this required your attention.
My daughter called me into the bathroom for an “emergency” only for me to find this. These kids don’t respect my time ? pic.twitter.com/l2oZCxVhRw
— Aisha R Pandor (@aishapandor) April 18, 2019
5. Everybody gets one
God abandoned us long ago and we absolutely deserved it.
Why is Spiderman so thicc pic.twitter.com/btkkvBRpja
— ?Zach the Halls? (@zmullis) May 26, 2019
4. Let them eat cake
Well next time maybe you’ll be more specific.
I sent my kids to the store to get some snacks for themselves. My daughter got a birthday cake. For a snack. pic.twitter.com/hT1q8M7aAo
— Meg (@meganbielby) May 30, 2019
3. Going through a lot
And the idiot next to me is parked over the line.
i am not in a walmart parking lot physically right now but i am in a walmart parking lot emotionally
— Tori Martin (@toriimartiin) June 9, 2019
2. The ultimate revenge
That’s a bold strategy, let’s see how it works out.
Instead of blocking your ex, become such a disaster online that everyone makes fun of your ex for dating you
— Alejandro (@AlexNoir313) March 25, 2019
1. The real MVP
And all the haters doubted him.
No one has had a bigger glow up in the last 10 years than cauliflower. It went from being ashy broccoli to being the Mystique of vegetables, always coming at you with a new shape. You want rice? Mashed potatoes? Pasta? Cheese? A man? Low cost housing? Make it from cauliflower.
— Dionne Warwick’s Virgina Slims (@Danez_Smif) May 8, 2019
That’s at least fifteen laughs right there. An infinite value for no dollars down. What a time to be alive.
Who are your favorite funny people to follow on Twitter?
Tell us in the comments.