Sometimes, kids say the funniest things.
Like the time 5-year-old Bindi Irwin met her baby brother Robert, and decided that he should be called Brian “for short.”
Well back in January, feminist author @JessicaValenti tweeted about an incident that happened when her child was about that same age:
Whenever I get discouraged and want to quit something, I remember the words of my then 3 year-old after she puked carrots all over the living room floor: "I'm gonna need more carrots."
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) January 18, 2021
It was a great metaphor for life, and it spawned a whole thread of users telling funny things that their own children had said.
A lot of users focused on how children don’t pull punches, sometimes being brutal without even meaning to.
Picture book author Pat Zietlow Miller shared a time when her young daughter innocently cut her to the quick:
When my daughter was in kindergarten, she went to play at a friend’s house. She came home and told me: “I love Beau’s mom! She’s so young and pretty and thin!” The unstated comparison was just hanging there …
— Pat Zietlow Miller (@PatZMiller) January 19, 2021
And another user shared her child’s response to her own midlife crisis hairdo.
When I turned 40 I wanted to go blonde. Unfortunately my brunette hair didnt take it well. When my 8 YO daughter got off the bus that day the first thing she said was “I hope you can wash that out”.
— Opal (@PamCamp60217334) January 18, 2021
Kids, man. Brutal, and brutally honest.
My daughter, fourth grade. Told me her teacher, upon seeing the broken hoop on the inside of her winter jacket, advised that her mother would be able to sew it back together. My daughter’s response? “Have you met my Mom?
— Alex powers (@ClayDayton) January 18, 2021
Sometimes they’re just trying to be helpful though, like when Heidi Hodges’ daughter overruled her little brother’s kindness.
Ha! Last year I had to go through chemo and lost my eyebrows. I tried to draw on brows but my son (7) said I look pretty without and I don’t need it. I was about to take it off when my daughter (9) said “keep the makeup on. You look like Voldemort without brows.” Thanks kid.
— Heidi Hodges (@hhodges) January 19, 2021
And we all know what it’s like to be seen as the not-fun parent, but I love this user’s response.
My son, irritated at some rule I was enforcing, grumbled, “Daddy is the fun parent.” I gave him the Eye and asked him what that made me then? He paused ever so briefly & then said, “The smart parent.” I told him “Nice save.”
— angelthecellist Is Fully Vaccinated (@angelthecellist) January 18, 2021
I guess it would be way too mean to respond, “I know Dad’s the fun parent, just like your brother is the fun child.”
Yeah, you’re right. Parents have to be the parent, fun or otherwise.
Some of the one-liners parents shared were just hilarious, liked this one from Bonnie Jean:
When my daughter was about 4, she admonished her older brother, who was upset about something: “Sometimes you have to be your own personal armadillo.” We still quote that 20+ years later to mean protect yourself.
— Bonnie Jean (@bonald) January 18, 2021
Use the Force, Luke. Be the armadillo.
I love it.
And you know, it makes sense, because kids just really love animals.
So comparisons to animals are usually a compliment:
My friend took her toddler to see another friends new baby. When she got to see the new baby, she said in her happiest voice, “oh mommy he’s so cute, he looks just like a little pig!”
— Kari MacKinnon (@mackinnom_kari) January 19, 2021
Until they try to turn you into one:
Younger niece (age 3+) looked at her older sister (5+) and said, “Sometimes I wish you were my brother.” Older sister, looked at younger sister, without blinking and said, “Sometimes I wish you were a fish.”
— Noodle (@NudelHalbWeiner) January 19, 2021
Kids, as we all know, also like to eat weird things.
(Let’s hope this isn’t why the 5-year-old wanted to turn her sister into a fish…)
Our goldfish died. When I told my then 5 year old son we had buried it in the garden he burst into tears. I was trying to think of how to explain how all living things die when he tearfully said “I wanted to eat it”
— Terry Dwyer (@TerryDwyerSyd) January 18, 2021
And this kid… The shade.
But I mean, he has a point.
I was in a restroom in London & I heard a mom talking to her young son in the stall next to me, “Mummy said don’t eat the toilet paper!” He replied, “Then why are we even here?”
— bloomswest (@Bloomswest) January 18, 2021
And just… wow.
I would often ask my three year old daughter which things were funnier. “What’s funnier, chairs or tables?” “What’s funnier, hats or goblets?” That kind of thing. One day I asked “What’s funnier, dogs or horses?” And she said “To eat?”
— Raymond Bokhour (@RBokhour) January 19, 2021
Weird eating habits aside, sometimes even the best kids will misbehave.
When my girls were small they got in trouble for arguing not long before bed. My oldest told her little sister from her top bunk, “that’s fine. But just think, my dead skin cells fall on you all night.”
— Dawn Fielder (@fieldersdc) January 19, 2021
As parents, you just have to teach them how to say they’re sorry.
My 3 year old daughter hurt my 5 year old who was crying. I explained to 3 that even when accidental you should apologize properly and mean it. She curtsied and said “I’m sorry, your Majesty”
— Larabell??????? (@welshlady17) January 19, 2021
Even if it makes you want to bust out laughing.
I was driving in rush hour, frustrated and muttering about how slow we were moving. My then-3 year old suddenly piped up from her carseat, “What’s the matter mommy, are you pissed off about all the damn traffic?”
— Star_Spangled_Banter (@LaurenMeir) January 19, 2021
And when life gets them down:
My wife and I still laugh about our older son, age 5, clearly unhappy about having a younger brother. Came to us, heaved a sigh, and said “My life isn’t turning out the way I thought it would.”
— Chris Bryant (@ChrisBr59990913) January 18, 2021
Teach them to look on the bright side.
(This kid must have been friends with @welshlady17’s little girl.)
I took an overnight trip with my sister’s family many years ago The motel we found was a real dump. My 6-year-old niece looked around and pronounced, “Well, it’s not Buckingham Palace, but it’ll do.”
— Cheryl T. (@G8rgrrlCheryl) January 18, 2021
It’s so true what they say. Kids really do say the darndest things.
What’s something hilarious that a small child in your life has said? Tell us in the comments!