I have no idea what it’s like to be a parent. Based on my experiences with my nieces, it seems to be mostly blur of screaming and yelling at small people telling them not to scream so much.
Which, don’t get me wrong, sounds amazing, but I think I’m good for now.
At the moment I’d prefer to just read these tweets about parenting rather than jump into the gene pool myself.
10. Get ‘er done
He’s ready for a life of labor far too soon.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he's here installing high speed internet.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) January 10, 2021
9. Selective listening
This is why everybody needs a little distance.
I'm at the point in pandemic parenting where my 5yo yelled "shit!" at his video game from the other room, and I just pretended not to hear it so I didn't have to get up.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) January 10, 2021
8. Sleep sweet
This is the most effective alarm clock I can imagine.
[5:45 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don't worry, you can sleep. I'm making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I'm up.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 10, 2021
7. Sweet bliss
Plus maybe you got some fun drugs afterwards?
I was happy to have a root canal done today because that meant I got to leave my house for 3 hours & be by myself.
Thanks, pandemic.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 13, 2021
6. The routine
Bedtime is when kids suddenly realize they have a long list of errands to run.
We are two hours into a never ending bedtime routine and my kid asks “is it bedtime?” So sure, read the parenting books but then get a sound proof door and a bottle of whiskey
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) January 13, 2021
5. Catherine Obvious
If it’s not obvious to you now, it will be soon enough.
My 9yo just told me:
Thank you, Catherine Obvious.I’m not correcting her.
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) January 12, 2021
4. Important life lessons
I was homeschooled and yup, this is it.
Ok kids, in homeschooling today we’ll be learning all about why you shouldn’t approach mummy when she’s rage eating the contents of the fridge
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) January 12, 2021
3. I’ve created a monster
They must know their place, now and forever more.
Started cutting my kids’ vitamins in half because I’m worried if they get too strong they will bully me even more
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) December 9, 2020
2. Letting sleeping dogs lie
It’s really best for everyone’s health.
Marriage, before kids-
Husband: I have to leave early tomorrow morning
Me: make sure you give me a kiss before you goMarriage, 3 kids-
Husband: I have to leave early tomorrow morning
Me: if you wake me I’ll stab you in the eye— MumInBits (@MumInBits) December 6, 2020
1. That’s the joke
What is this sleep everyone keeps talking about and do you guys sell it in bulk perchance?
Our Costco delivery came at 8am on a Saturday, and the delivery lady said “oh! Didn’t know if you’d be awake.” Lol! That’s the joke, friends! I’ve got three kids a dog and cat, I’ve been awake since 2006.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) December 5, 2020
So, yeah, nothing in there is making me super excited about the idea of having kid of my own, but, heck, maybe someday. In a year or a century or whatever.
Do you have kids? What’s it really like?
Hit me with the full scoop in the comments, if you would.
