Are you hitched?

I mean married, by the way…

Yes?

Oh good, then you’ll get a big kick out of these tweets about married life!

I’ll quit talkin’ your ear off, go ahead and get started now!

1. I can’t do this!

You’re doing the right thing.

as someone who took her husband’s last name, I don’t recommend it. not for feminist reasons, but because sometimes I forget how to spell it

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) January 14, 2022

2. They’re not going anywhere.

Not now. Not EVER.

My husband’s friend returned the jumper cables he’d borrowed, and my husband set them down on the floor by the front door.

That was 6 weeks ago and they are now part of our decor.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 21, 2022

3. Where could it be?

A real mystery you have on your hands.

I’m the kind of wife who will help my husband look for his chocolate that I ate.

— Terri ???? (@TerriB2021) January 13, 2022

4. This is what they do.

How long is this visit, again?

My mother in law is visiting us right now and every time my husband leaves the room she starts rapidly telling me embarrassing stories about him in a hushed voice.

— Eli McCann (@EliMcCann) January 20, 2022

5. I see…

Well, whatever works.

Husband: Mmm…you smell so nice

Me: Thanks. My hair had static so I rubbed a dryer sheet on my head

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 12, 2022

6. She didn’t get the joke.

Oh, come on!

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

— Adam Cerious (@Browtweaten) January 12, 2022

7. Ouch. Sick burn!

But a good one…

Wife: What’s that noise?
Me: The house is settling.
Wife: Well that’s one thing we have in common.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 11, 2022

8. It’s never happened before.

This is a monumental achievement!

Guys, I need your help.
In the middle of an argument with my wife, she said I’m right.

What the hell do I do next?

— Lonesome Jack (@haysjr_9) January 13, 2022

9. Doesn’t work that way.

And don’t bring it up again.

husband: you should hang out with my friend’s wife, she’s an introvert like you

me: that’s…that’s not how it works

— meghan (@deloisivete) January 16, 2022

10. You’re sending mixed signals.

Do you want me to crash the car?

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these earthy colored blankets?

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 20, 2022

11. An old classic.

That’ll show ’em!

My husband told the kids to close the door because “we’re not heating the entire outdoors” and I’m wondering, does the father of the year award arrive in the mail automatically or do we have to apply for it

— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) January 13, 2022

How’s your marriage going lately?

Give us an update in the comments.

We’d love to hear from you!